


And I saw vines where your veins use to be

by My_name_is_Angelica_schuyler



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Car Accidents, F/M, First Love, Forests, Friendship, Fucked Up, Jared is a little shit, M/M, Memory Loss, Mystery, Sad, Self-Harm, Shit Hits The Fan, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tree Climbing, Triggers, a very confused evan, car crash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-11-23 00:57:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11392053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_name_is_Angelica_schuyler/pseuds/My_name_is_Angelica_schuyler
Summary: “Yea.”Evan looks down at his pale fingers.“Did you know him?” Heidi asks, staring at Evan, trying to uncover his thoughts.And Evan thinks of all the times he’s shared with Connor.All the times they were in the forest, looking for lizards in the pale fog. The times they climbed tree in hopes of finding a new world, one in which they had no name or past.Evan thinks about all their sentences in a matter of moments before he answers his mother.Their fights.Their cries.How he fell in love with Connor.How he fell in love with the boys destruction.He balls his hands into a fist.“No.”





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there.
> 
> So this is my first work in the DEH tag and Im really excited for this. This was inspired by this really cool song I love and its called "coma baby" by Nicole Dollanganger. So if you want to give that I listen I highly recommend it, it might even give you a few clues on whats to come in this fic. Not sure when I will be updating this. I get really busy sometimes and my updates be looking a little questionable but I try to update within two weeks. Dont kill me if I dont though, I promise I update.
> 
> WARNING!! This fic, its going to get gruesome, if you listen to the song then you would know it might get a little messy. I dont mean anything by it but I should tell you, some of this stuff I write might make some people a little uncomfortable. Theres a lot of risky topics like religion, self harming and violence and I tend to go into really big detail about it so if you're a person that gets triggered easily or offended easily, I dont know how you will take this fic. Im not trying to glorify self harming or depression, Im not trying to make fun of any religion or shame it. I assure you everything I say aids the story completely. This isn't real. This is a story I came up with from a really cool song I was listening to. I promise thats all it is. Also. Because of said gruesome details let me make it clear that I am absolutely fine lmao. I promise nothing is wrong with me, Im not sick or hurting myself and anything like that. When I write like this in real life, my friends or family tend to think Im being serious. Rest assured Im not in anyway endangering myself or anyone around me. I can just get sick when writing sometimes. So I think thats all the warning I have to give out, just please be careful when reading this and know that nothing is real. 
> 
> This is just a prologue and a little introduction and I would really appreciate some feedback on it and if it sounds good so far.
> 
> Also, Im really bad a grammar. Sometimes I edit my writing at 3 o' clock in the morning and I miss a few things. Dont kill me. Im sorry. Im horrible at grammar.
> 
> So without further adieu read on. I hope you enjoy.

In a forest, there is light.

 

There will always be light.

 

Sometimes it can get dark, but the light returns.

 

The sun always sets, and it will always rise.

 

There is light and it will exist for eternity.

 

Or, until the sun explodes and dies in a million years as Connor likes to say.

 

He never did look at the things the same way Evan did.

 

But it was alright.

 

The yin and yang balanced themselves on faith and destiny and differences that aided them to exist in a world where equal was actually equal and feelings were mutual.

 

That's how they were.

 

The two of them.

 

Light and dark. 

 

Blonde and raven.

 

Light blue and black.

 

And it was fine.

 

Evan would talk about how the sun always survives and Connor would respond saying the sun isn't really alive and it will bust when the Earth no long supplies life.

 

And Evan would say it's ok because the world will come back again, in a revolving rotation of life and death. God will make sure everything is ok and restart the cycle. Creating everything again.

 

And Connor would tell Evan, God isn't real.

 

When we die.

 

We die.

 

And Evan would fight with him about it sometimes and other times he would remain silent. Connor was Connor and the boy would never change his ideas or opinions on anything.

 

It's what Evan loved about him the most.

 

His way of understanding who he is and that there is nothing you could do about the way you are.

 

You can't change.

 

Accept it.

 

They would climb the trees in the forest next to the old abandoned mansion and talk about everything and nothing all at once.

 

Connor was beautiful. And Evan was in love.

 

Sure he had his issues, they both did.

 

Evan just couldn't remember what his were.

 

Evan was off.

 

His doctor told him he forgets things easily.

 

His mother told him it was best that he did.

 

He wouldn't want to know about the things he did.

 

So he took her word for it.

 

But every so often, the boy would wake up in his bed, bruises covering his body and he would panic.

 

“What did I do?!” He would scream at his mother in anger and hurt and in confusion.

 

But she would never answer.

 

She would avoid his eyes and continue making breakfast.

 

So Evan stopped asking.

 

Then the medication came.

 

The therapy sessions started and video cameras began popping up in his house, in his room.

 

His time with Connor in the forest became limited.

 

And then stopped all together.

 

And then once Evan woke up on his couch with a horrid pain in his arm and his mother crying.

 

“Evan.” She cried. Her blonde hair spread out across his skin like paint.

 

“Sorry.” He said looking at her. “I was trying to climb a tree and fell with a broken branch.”

 

And suddenly she stopped crying and looked at him.

 

“You remember?” She asked with her eyes wide.

 

And he shook his head.

 

And she cried some more but this time, she had a smile on her face.

 

Turns out Evan broke his arm.

 

Turns out it really was at a forest.

 

And he remembers everything.

 

Climbing the tree, the way the leaves look with droplets of water on them. The sounds of the birds chirping and the crunch of the grass from the mother deer and her babies.

 

How the grass just below him turned black just before he fell on it, breaking his arm.

 

He doesn't remember Connor though.

 

Figures the boy was out of sight somewhere at the bottom of the tree. Waiting for Evan to climb back down.

 

Evan remembers the light.

  
The way it rested itself upon the decaying trees and isolated branches beaten down by time and climate.

 

How for a second it was gone and now it's back.

 

Light always remains.

 

Light is always in the forest.

 

Maybe that's why Evan loves it so much.

 

Because that's the only thing he can remember always.    
  


Light.

 

And Connor's smile.

 

A month goes by after Evan and Connor stop speaking.

 

School starts and they go about their lives, pretending the other doesn't exist.

 

And it's ok.

 

Evan figures Connor just doesn't want to be his friend and he's fine with that.

 

Evan doesn't go to the forest anymore.

 

Figures Connor wants it all to himself.

 

He talks to his mom and tells her all the things he remembers and she's so happy.

 

He doesn't tell her about Connor. They don't talk anymore so what's the use.

 

And that's how things are.

 

That's how God made them be.

 

And Evan accepts it.

 

Until one day at school, Evan doesn't see Connor at his usual spot in the computer lab.

 

Or at his lunch table.

 

And that one day turns into a week, then another week.

 

Next thing he knows people are talking about that Murphy boy who's in a coma because of the car accident on Levenson st.

 

And suddenly Evan forgets things again.

 

And he questions whether or not God is as kind as he always thought he was.

 

He looks at the sun in the sky and forgets why he loved it so much.

 

He only remembers Connor's smile.

 

And the way the grass turned black before he crashed into it.


	2. 1

_ I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. _

 

Evan looked around at all the people reading from their bibles.

 

He keeps his head low and searches for Connor but he can't find him.

 

His eyes land on the Murphys pew. Several rows behind his own.

 

It's only Mr. Murphy. And he stands, his hands wrap around the book tightly and his lips move in low murmurs and Evan suspects he isn't even speaking. 

 

Then Mr. Murphy's eyes is snapping at his and Evan whips his head back around and looks at the book again.

 

Everyone's voices mix into a gargling sound of pure noise and broken sentences as some read too fast and others too slow.

 

But Evan has stopped paying attention.

 

Despite Connors disbelief in religion he still always shows up.

 

Always.

 

The rumors are true.

 

Connor is in the hospital.

 

Evan closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing.

 

_ Calm down. _

 

_ Calm down. _

 

_ People will stare. _

 

_ Don't do this now. _

 

His mother puts her thin hand on his shoulder and he relaxes them in hopes of her not noticing his new found tension.

 

The church reads on.

 

_ He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. _

“Amen”

Everyone sits.

 

Pastor Dylan remains standing and clears his throat before he speaks.

 

“If I could leave one thing with you all today. It would be to put all your faith and trust in God.”

 

A cough.

 

“You see.” The priest licks his lips. “Nowadays, we lose sight of the real reason our God has stood by us. He loves us and cares for us. He died for us so why are we still trying to run from him? Why are we still doubting him? We need to understand and accept the fact that the Lord will take care of any issue we had if we just give ourselves to him and accept him.”

 

Someone claps.

 

“Everything that happens to us, happens for a reason, it is to show how dedicated we are to him, to his mercy. We must prove that we will follow him to the end of time, tell me church will you follow him to the end? Will you trust he will make the best decision for you? Are you giving yourself to him?”

 

Evan hears his mother whisper yes.

 

He says yes as well.

 

In his head.

 

“It can be hard. We can get distracted and lose sight of what matters. We can fall off the deep end and doubt him but he is kind! He is forgiving! He is the risen king! And he will save us from our destruction!”

 

Everyone stands and claps.

 

Evan remains seated, thinking about Connor.

 

Was God watching Connor?

 

Did he save him from Connors destruction?   
  


“Don't wait until the last second! Don't use him only when you need him!  Give yourself to him! Open up to him and trust him for eternity! And he will repair your broken stitches he will save you! He is the Lord and he will resculpt the world if you would let him, if you stand by him good or bad!”

 

Evan claps.

 

“My church. We are running out of time. We are losing ourselves to a new age of technology. A new age of demons. Don't leave him now. This is the best time to stay with him.”

 

Even watches as the Pastor makes his way down the aisle. Stopping at the Murphys pew. He puts his hand on Mr. Murphys head and the man bows it in response.

 

“God will fix what we have broken.”

 

Evan stops listening after.

 

_ God will fix what we have broken. _

 

_ God will fix Connor. _

 

After the service, Heidi stops Mr. Murphy.

 

“Hello Larry.” She puts her hand on his shoulder. Just like she did with Evan an hour earlier.

 

“This might be a stupid question, but how is everyone?” She asks lightly and Mr. Murphy shakes his head.

 

“Cynthia is still at the hospital. She rarely leaves. Zoe isn't doing that well either. I'm trying to stay strong for all three of us.” He says while looking at the ground and Heidi nods.

 

“That's very brave of you. God Bless you for still coming during this horrid time.” She says wrapping her arm Evan who shifts uncomfortably from one foot to another.

 

“I have to. There's only one person who can fix Connor. I can't abandon him in the time we need him the most.” Evan feels his mother nodding again.

 

“Of course.”   
  


“Mom?” Evan says, his voice shaky. “Can I have the key?”

 

He moves from her and they both stare at him.

 

“Evan. Hi, how are you doing?” Mr. Murphy asks and Evan shrugged nervously.

 

“I'm fine.” He says looking down.

 

He doesn't ask Mr. Murphy. He knows how the man is doing so it makes no sense to ask.

 

“I'm just not feeling very good. I'm going to go to the car and lay down.” Evan continues.

 

Heidi hands him the keys her eyes squinted.

 

“Are you alright?” She asks worriedly and Evan shakes his head.

 

“Just a little dizzy.” He takes the keys and rushes away without another word.

 

He never felt comfortable around Mr. Murphy.

 

It was only him.

 

All the other Pastors at the church were easy to breathe with. Understandable but Larry Murphy? Something was off with him to Evan.

 

 

The stories Connor told him always felt off. Always felt like Mr. Murphy was never what he appeared to be.

 

He tries to push it out of his head as he gets into the passenger side of the car.

 

He leans his head against the window, trying to suppress the headache now dancing in his skull.

 

He closes his eyes.

 

“Do you do that often?” Connor asks. 

 

“Oh what? This? No, no no not all the time. Well maybe I do and I just don't notice. What am I doing again?” Evan asks with a wavering voice.

 

“Playing with your shoelace.” Connor says with an eye roll.

 

Evan looks down at his sneakers and his fingers entwined with the dirty white shoestrings.

 

“Oh. I...I guess.” He looks up and looks back down.

 

“Why? Is it like a defensive mechanism or something?” Connor sits next to him and Evan swallows.

 

“It's just something I do when I'm nervous ok?” Evan looks at Connors shoe while he speaks and hears the boy laugh.

 

“So you're nervous all the time?”

 

“Doctor Cohen calls it social anxiety.” Evan answers and Connor goes silent.

 

Silence fills between the two and in the distance someone coughs.

 

“Well that makes sense.” Connor says simply and Evan makes a noise.

 

“What makes sense?” He asks and Connor motions around them.

 

“Why you're in a library. No ones here so you hide out in these shelves. I get it. Smart.” He looks around and Evan heaves out a dry chuckle.

 

“Yea, that's my plan.” He looks at his hands as they lay on his lap.

 

“What's your name?” Connor asks after another few beats of silence and Evan shifts uncomfortably.

 

“Evan.” He simply answers.

 

“No last name? Alright I’ll take it. I'm Connor Murphy.” And the boy extends his hand for Evan to shake it.

 

Evan doesn't take it though.

 

“I know.” He whispers and he can feel Connor's eyes travel up his body.

 

“How?” He asks and there's humor in his voice.

 

“Well, everyone talks about you. You're the Klebold to our Columbine.” Evan says quickly and first he thinks he’s gone too far and then Connor is laughing.

 

“Fair enough. I'm missing a Harris though. Reckon you want the part?” He says and Evan laughs.

 

“Harris, Hansen. I see no difference.” He shrugs and his shaky breath calms down.

 

“Hansen huh?” Connor looks out over the library floor. “Close enough.” 

 

He feels a hand on his forehead and opens his eyes to his mother's brown ones.

 

“You don't have a fever.” She says simply, starting the car. “Maybe you're just sleepy.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

They drive in silence for a few minutes. Their thoughts trapped in their separate skulls. 

 

“What happened to Connor Murphy?” Evan finally asks and his mother remains silent for a while.

 

“Some drunk drivers hit him and his mother while they were driving home one night.” She says simply, eyes never leaving the road.

 

“Is his mother ok?” Evan asks. And Heidi shakes her head.

 

“Yea she's fine, she only had a few scrapes and bruises. It was the right side of the car that suffered damage.”

 

“What do you mean damage?” Evan asks squinting.

 

“It was nearly crushed.”

 

They go silent.

 

“Connor wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he was thrown from the passenger seat through the front windshield.”

 

Maybe she could feel the panic rising in Evans body.

 

“But I'm thinking that's actually the best thing to happen. He would've been dead for sure if he remained in that seat.” She continues.

 

“Well what's wrong with him now.” Evan asks and his mother chuckles.

 

They stop at a red light.

 

“Why are you so invested in it?” She asks staring at him.

 

“Everyones talking at school. No one really knows what's going on. Figured I have someone that literally has the entire story and has seen him. Was just curious.” Evan looks out the window to avoid her eyes.

 

 

“Yea, I'm assigned his room.” She continues to stare at him.

 

“Ok.” Evan says.

 

But Heidi obviously isn't done.

 

“Didn't seem like the type to get in on the gossip Evan.” She stares at him some more.

 

Evan shakes his head. “I'm not. I was just-”

 

“I know, I know. Curious.” His mother makes a hand gesture.

 

“Yea.”

Evan looks down at his pale fingers.

“Did you know him?” Heidi asks, staring at Evan, trying to uncover his thoughts.

And Evan thinks of all the times he’s shared with Connor.

All the times they were in the forest, looking for lizards in the pale fog. The times they climbed trees in hopes of finding a new world, one in which they had no name or past.

Evan thinks about all their sentences in a matter of moments before he answers his mother.

Their fights.

Their cries.

How he fell in love with Connor.

How he fell in love with the boys destruction.

He balls his hands into fists.

“No.”

 

They go silent again.

 

The light turns green.

 

“Don't worry Evan. God will take care of the Murphys just fine. He will bless them and  everything will be alright.”

 

“You says that like people wake up from a coma all the time.” Evan keeps his eyes trained on the dashboard.

 

“Hey. Hey. Hey now. That's not the right spirit. Connor isn't the worst I've seen but-”

 

“He isn't the best either.” Evan finishes.

 

“Where is this coming from?” His mother asks incredulously. 

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“He will be fine, Evan.” His mother says.

 

And Evan moves his eyes to the sun.

 

The light.

 

“God will handle everything Evan.”

 

He cuts every photo of Connor out of all his yearbooks. 

 

Though there wasn't a lot, he got them. 

 

They were simple enough.

 

Just the class photos.

 

The ones the boy showed up for.

 

Most of the pictures were from when he was younger.

 

Connor looked doey eyed, his brown hair slid back and shiny. A toothless grin on his face.

 

Smiling sitting cross legged on the floor. His posture was calming and easy. He looked cool and collected worry seem to not exist on him at this time. And if you raise your eye just a centimeter up you would see Evans shaky and thin frame and his painfully awkward smile.

 

Evan takes every picture and lays them down on the floor in his room.

 

In chronological order, he can almost see the boys transformation.

 

From happy, to well... _ Connor. _

 

Evan reckons it happened in grade 9. 

 

Where everything fell apart.

 

He smiled in his pictures through out every grade until 9th.

 

Instead he just stares at the camera. Same old doey brown eyes but for some reason they're foreign now. They're looking through everything, almost as if he knows Evan is staring at this picture right now.

 

He shifts at that thought, uncomfortable at it.

 

Grade 10 picture isn't even there because he didn't show up.

 

And 11th grade again it's just a blank stare, more decayed than before.

 

Connor didn't get to show up for the graduation photos. 

 

There's no picture of him in any of the collages. He didn't win any superlatives. Nothing.

 

It's like he didn't exist.

 

And now, it seems like his name is the only thing that exist.

 

Evan takes all the photos and tapes them to his ceiling, just above his bed and he lays down and stares at them.

 

He doesn't know how long. 

 

Finally his laptop dings, signalling a new email.

 

He takes his headphones out and peels his eyes away from the ceiling to open and read the message.

 

**Alana Beck- FOR CONNOR**

 

He opens.

 

_ To whom it may concern, _

_    Hey, it's Alana, your friend. I'm emailing the entire school to remind everyone to wear yellow tomorrow, Monday, October 17, for our friend Connor Murphy. He is currently in the hospital, fighting a horrible battle for his life and I feel that this will really show him how we all are rooting for him to get better and wake up! Once again it doesn't have to be yellow everything. A simple hat, or a tee shirt. Even a bracelet. Anything is accepted, as long as it's yellow and for Connor it will be highly appreciated! Thank you for reading and I hope you participate! God bless you xx. Now! Let's make Connor proud! _

 

Evan closes the laptop with much more force than necessary.


	3. 2

The bell rings louder than before these days, he doesn't know why.

 

He begins his walk towards the door, gravity growing stronger every step he takes.

 

He puts his hand on the handle.

 

“Where are we going?” Connor asks. But Evan doesn't answer.

 

“It's really cool.” He says instead and Connor doesn't really question it that much after.

 

“I suppose this is cool. If you call walking to a mysterious place that could probably be your murder scene cool.” He says with a sarcastic voice and Evan laughs.

 

“Good to know we are on the same page.”

There were rumored to be ghost at the old Barren Mansion.

 

Said to be haunted by the great actress and home owner Edith Barren and her unborn child.

 

It was old hollywood when she died. A fabulous party taking place that night.

 

She finally told her abusive husband she was pregnant. And he just got so mad he hit her. Ended up killing the poor actress so he threw her in the pool and she floated there until the maids found her the next morning.

 

The husband was sentenced to execution by electric chair.

 

And they say sometimes at night, you can hear Edith Barren crying in the halls of the old Barren mansion, her and her unborn baby.

 

“That's stupid.” Connor said when Evan told him the story of the mansion.

 

“Why else would it be abandoned?” Evan asks walking a head.

 

“Because this is Virginia and no one wants to live in a shit Virginian town.” Connor says over the sound of crunching leaves and breaking branches.

 

“Ghost exist.” Evan says and Connor laughs.

 

“They sure do. Just like Your lord and savior.” Connor says scoffing and Evan looks back at him.

 

“I…” He stutters.

 

“What? Spit it out Hansen.” Connor rolls his eyes.

 

“It's just..I-I’m confused. If you don't believe in God, why do you show up to church every Sunday?” Evan asks with a shaky voice.

 

Connor shrugs.

 

“My father is one of the Pastors there. They make me go so the town won't... _ talk _ .” He puts air quotes around _ talk. _

 

Evan starts walking again to avoid the boys eyes.

 

“You don't think that's the reason they do it?”

 

“They hope if they put enough passages in me, I'll start believing again.”

 

Again.

 

Evan doesn't ask about it. It wasn't the time.

 

“What about Zoey?” Evan asks and Connor chokes out a laugh.

 

“She's a brainwashed uptight snobby girl. A product of her town, and parents.” Connor says with a flat voice and Evan chokes.

 

“Shes your sister.” He says with a shocked voice.

 

“She was. Now, she's just someone in my house.” Connor looks up towards the sunlight and Evan gets a full view of his pale skin, high cheekbones and full lips.

 

His long brown hair drapes his shoulders and covers one of his eyes. The color shiny and contrasting greatly against the green background.

 

Evan tries to memorize as much as he can.

 

Before Connor is coming back down to Earth. Putting his guard up again.

 

“Are we there yet?” Connor asks, pulling Evan from his mental sketching.

 

“We, uh. We've been here actually.” Evan rubs at the back of his neck and looks down.

 

Connor remains silent.

 

“Sometimes when home gets too recognizable, and the library gets too crowded, I come here.” Evan looks around. “No one comes over here, because of the spooky mansion myth. It's all mine.”

 

He looks at Connor.

 

“It can be ours now.” He looks down in embarrassment.

 

He didn't mean for it to sound so...intimate.

 

If Connor is bothered he doesn't show it.

 

“You know how to climb trees?” Connor asks, putting his skinny hand against one.

 

“Yes.” Evan answers.

 

“Then let's get climbing.” Connor simply says.

 

And then someone is bumping Evans shoulder in the hallway.

 

The contact sends horrible shots of pain through his arm and he closes his eyes tightly to try to stop himself from making any noise.

 

When the pain subsides, Evan opens his eyes.

 

And he wishes he kept them closed.

 

A sea of students cover the halls in bright yellow tee shirts and hats.

 

Evan tries to calm his nerves down as he scans over everyone and from what he can see, they're all wearing yellow.

 

He closes his mouth and slips through the people to his locker.

 

He can feel eyes on him and he tries not to let it hurt him that much. He should be used to it by now.

 

But yet he isn't.

 

When he does get to his locker he opens it and puts some books away.

 

“Hey Evan!” He hears.

 

He tries to suppress his moan but he does hear it a little.

 

“Alana.” He greets and he tries to put on a smile but he just knows it's more of a painful showing of his teeth.

 

Meanwhile Alana’s smile is glowing. Her white teeth and clear brown skin. Her dark black hair goes perfectly with the yellow dress she's modeling.

 

She has a clipboard in her hands and she looks down at it, adjusting her glasses as she does so.

 

“You're not wearing yellow.” She says brokenly and it almost makes Evan roll his eyes.

 

“I didn't have any yellow.” He says looking at his cast.

 

“You couldn't have gotten a bracelet or something?” She asks and though she does sound a little hurt, Evan can hear the vindictiveness growing in her voice.

 

He swallows and pulls out some courage.

 

“I mean you could've bought it for me...I guess.” He says rubbing at the back of his neck and he can see Alana clutch her clip board tighter.

 

She swallows tight and straight, eyes never leaving Evan.

 

“I'm very disappointed in you Evan, everyone else did something and you did nothing? It really shows what type of person you are to Connor.” Without another word she stomps her foot and disappears through the crowd.

 

Evan stands there staring at her now vacant standing spot.

 

_ I am Connor's best friend. _

 

Evan thinks.

 

_ Connor hates yellow. _

 

He goes through the day seeing the color. Hear people who have never said Connors name now repeat it like it's one of their favorite song and it destroys Evan to the point of no return.

 

He can't really explain why but he just feels this whole thing is nothing but bullshit.

 

He wasn't the only one.

 

It's later in the day when Evan thinks he's alone in the hall does Alana show back up.

 

Following Jared. That chubby kid that his mother invites for dinner every two months or so.

 

“You are ridiculous Jared! You wear those horrible cargo shorts but you won't wear yellow! You are beyond trash.”

 

Evan groans again at the sound of her voice but then he hears Jared snapping back.

 

“I won't wear yellow for someone I didn't know! That's just stupid. Why are you all pretending you care. You didn't even know what class you had with him and now all of a sudden you're his coma translator. Yellow? Really? You really think Connor wanted us to wear yellow for him? He hated us, and we hated him. He called you a bitch in Algebra last year. Tell me you still want wear yellow Beck?”

 

Evan spits out a dry laugh and Alanas eyes snap to him with a vicious stare.

 

He turns back towards his locker.

 

“Fine. Be the outcast you are. Just know that when something happens to you, I won't do a damn thing to keep you in everyone's thoughts and prayers.” She spits and turns on her heels out the front doors.

 

“Good!” Calls Jared. “No one likes you!”

 

Then it's the two of them.

 

Evan looks at the floor as he strains to hear a noise from Jared.

 

The boy grumbled something and footsteps fill the hall.

 

Then Evan is left alone.

 

His head filled with confusion and a yellow dress.

 

Evan is standing in the middle of a dark road.

 

He doesn't recognize the street and he squints his eyes to get a better vision but it's nothing.

 

Just darkness and trees the color of black, blaring horns and tire screeches in the background and he wants to move away from it all and go home but it seems as if he is frozen in place and forced to stare at the never ending road and it's darkness.

 

He wants to scream but it feels as if his mouth is sewn shut and he thinks he can feel the blood from his stitched lips dripping from his chin.

 

And then he sees lights.

 

Tiny balls of yellow mixed with white that grow bigger within moments.

 

And Evan doesn't know what they are or what they mean.

 

He can only hold his hands up to protect his face and brace for impact because the lights aren't stopping, not until they hit him.

 

And then he is waking up.

 

His eyes flutter open to Connors dead ones in the photo above of him.

 

And Evan.

 

Evan is scared to death.

 

“Morning! Had a little extra time today so I made some breakfast!” Heidi smiles setting a pan on the counter.

 

Evan nods as a greeting and reaches for an apple, but his mother slaps his hand away.

 

“Hey! No apples today! Cmon it's good! You know you love pancakes!” She puts her hands on her hips and her smiles fades when Evan remains silent.

 

“You ok?” She asks, taking a seat next to him and Evan shrugs.

 

“I'm fine, just had a bad dream.” He answers which is technically the truth.

 

Just not the one Heidi probably wants to hear.

 

She sucks her teeth and rubs his back in soothing circles and Evan tries not to show his uncomfortableness at her touching him.

 

“These nightmares have been happening alot lately.” Heidi says. “Should I schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohen?” She raises an eyebrow and Evan shakes his head.

 

“Everyone has nightmares mom. There's nothing weird about it.” He pulls the plate of pancakes over to himself in hopes of his mother dropping the subject.

 

She stares at him some more.

 

But she in fact does.

 

“Are we friends?” Evan asks on a summer day.

 

Connor is laying at the base of the tree, a book in his hand and when Evan asks this question he moves not an inch.

 

“What do you mean?” Connor asks without looking up.

 

Evan swallows again and grabs at the emptying courage in his gut. He looks up to the sky from the thick branch he's sitting on and hopes this doesn't get awkward.

 

“Like are we friends? Or...I don't know.” He plays with his shoelace.

 

Connor chuckles.

 

“That's up to you to decide. You see different people perceive things in different ways, like relationships, friendships...murder.” He whispers the last one and Evan shakes his head.

 

“Well, what are we to you?” Evan asks instead and Connor tsks.

 

“Can't tell you until you come up with your own opinion.” He flips a page.

 

“Why not?” Evans breath hitches, as he climbs down from the tree. His curfew is approaching.

 

“I don't want you biased.” Connor shuts the book with a hard thud and stands, shaking off all the dirt and leaves from his jeans.

  
Evan just stares at him with a blank expression.

 

“What?” Connor asks and Evans head snaps back to the ground.

 

“N-nothing.” He stutters.

 

“You're nervous.” Connor rolls his eyes and Evans hands fly around his body for protection.

 

“I'm not!” he squeaks but he can already see Connor's smile and his stomach is doing flips.

 

“Sure Hansen.” Connor chuckles and suddenly his long pale fingers are entwined with Evans hair.

 

His fingers are surprisingly delicate against the boys scalp and Evan closes his eyes at the feeling of it.

 

It's silence between the two, save for Evans growing shaky breath and the crickets in the distance.

 

He doesn't know how long they were standing like that. But at some point Connor's hands travel from Evans hair to his face and lips.

 

His thumb swipes across Evans bottom lip, slow and light and Evan just knows he's breathing heavier now. 

 

And finally, when Evan feels like his lungs are going to explode, Connor release and takes a step back.

 

Evan is red and blotchy and he stares at the ground even harder knowing Connor is staring at him.

 

“Sorry.” Connor says, but Evan can hear the unapologetic tone Connor always sports and no he isn't sorry.

 

“You had a leaf in your hair.” Then he is walking away, dripping confidence and stepping on dead tree branches.

 

And Evan can only continue to look at the ground.

 

Connor can't tell him his own opinion.

 

But he can drop hints.

 

He touches his lip in the bathroom at school.

 

The same lip Connors thumb ran across every time they were together after that first time. 

 

“Are you ok?” Jared asks and Evan looks at him eyes wide.

 

When did he come in here?

 

“I...I..I'm fine.” Evan looks at his shoes.

 

“Are you sure? Because I don't know if you know this, but like you're crying.” Jared takes a cautious step back, eyebrow raised.

 

Evans hands quickly find his face and sure enough, it's wet.

 

“My eyes water sometimes.” Evan says shaky, wiping his face aggressively. “I'm fine.”

 

The two go silent and Jared doesn't move but only stare at him with a little confusion.

 

“You didn't wear yellow yesterday.” Evan tries to change to the subject.

 

Jared takes the bait.

 

“Because it was bullshit. Connor Murphy didn't like me. And I didn't like him. That doesn't change becauses he is hooked up to some fuckin wires.” Jared rolls his eyes and goes to pee.

 

Evan looks away and tries to recover from the brutal honesty Jared just threw at him.

 

“You didn't wear yellow either.” Jared says while zipping up his fly and Evan shakes his head.

 

“I didn't have any yellow.” He says and Jared goes silent.

 

“I saw him push you in the hallway once.” Jared says with a bored voice and Evan gives out a bitter dry chuckle.

 

“I felt it. Once.”

 

There's silence for a moment and then Jared is cackling.

 

“Hey, that was kind of funny Evan.” He says and Evan looks over to him.

 

“You know my name?” He asks shocked and Jared's smile fades.

 

“Our family are friends, apparently it's a chore to know everyone my family speaks to.” He rolls his eyes and washes hands.

 

“Oh.” Evan says.

 

Things go silent again and it just gets awkward.

 

“Well, see ya later I guess.” Jared shakes his head with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

 

And when Evan doesn't reply the boy shrugs and leaves out the door.

 

Evan waits a few moments before deciding to speak to Jared again.

 

In hopes of catching him he dashes out the bathroom door only to bump into Zoe Murphy.

 

The second most talked about person in this school.

 

At first he doesn't recognize her. 

 

Her beauty, usually subtle and quiet, now seems dead and replaced with a white greasy ghost.

 

He does a double take and they stare at each other in silence.

 

“Sorry.” Evan says when he can see the impatience growing in her eyes.

 

After he says that she relaxes.

 

“You gonna keep staring or do I have to give you a picture?” She says lightly, with a little chuckle at the end.

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“No. sorry. It's just- I..-”

 

“I want to say sorry about your brother, God bless your family, things will get better. I get it and I don't want to hear it.” She says and though there is disgust and anger in it, Evan really isn't hurt.

 

She moves to walk away but Evan is grabbing on to her tiny pale wrist.

 

“I was staring to make sure I didn't hurt you. I ran into you quite hard.” Evan hiccups and Zoe looks over to him, eyes searching.

 

“Oh.”

 

Evan let's go.

 

“Evan right?” She chuckles and looks at the ground. 

 

Evan nods.

 

“Zoe Murphy.” He rubs his hands together and Zoey looks at them.

 

“Zoe Murphy.” She repeats.

 

“Zoe Murphy. Not Connor Murphy's sister.” Evan says while looking at the floor. 

 

And then he is moving as fast as he can away from her.


	4. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was eh for me.

His phone rings on his walk home from school.

 

“Hello?” He answers the phone and is met with his mother's laughing.

 

“Hey honey! Listen I got some bad news, I'm gonna be coming home a little later than before.”

 

He waits for her to continue but when she doesn't he knows what it means.

 

“Is it because of Connor Murphy?” He asks suddenly, trying to keep his panic undercover.

 

Heidi laughs again.

 

“Him and a few other patients. One of the other nurses quit so that means everyone else has to pick up a double load until the hospital finds someone else. Connor is fine if that's what you're wondering about.”

 

Evan shakes his head and then realizes she can't see him.

 

“No. No it's not like that. I just wanted to know.” He looks out across the street before walking.

 

“Yea alright honey. Anyway there's some money in the safe so you can order something. Even better! Why don't you try eating out with someone? That seems fun right?”

 

“I'll order chinese.” Evan says, opening up the house door.

 

His mother goes silent.

 

“Well. Alright. But promise me you'll actually do it Evan, don't starve yourself again. Ok?”

 

Evan sighs.

 

“Yea...alright.”

 

He hangs up before she can say anything else.

 

“We can watch Mission Impossible? Or if you're feeling a bit more magical, Princess and the Frog? Though I recommend Tangled, you know I like lizards.” Connor says as he flips through the dvds in his hand.

 

Evan remains quiet.

 

“Whatever you want.” He finally says when Connor looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

 

“That's not really the answer I was looking for. You know it's perfectly ok to have an opinion right?” He scoffs taking a seat next to Evan, closer than necessary.

  
Evan shrugs but still looks down.

 

Connor makes a noise.

 

“Ok. I'll pick.” He says and suddenly his hands are in Evans hair again, and Evan actually starts to relax.

 

It's the first time he is in Connors house.

 

And he can't breathe.

 

Connors family are on some camping trip, and though Connor loves camping he hates his family.

 

Or so he tells Evan. 

 

He asked him to come over after their adventure in the forest.

 

Evan didn't say yes.

 

He didn't say no either.

 

He just followed the boy home, hands in his pocket and eye cemented on the ground.

 

Yes he was nervous and a little frightened but he just couldn't go back to his own house.

 

It's too empty.

 

Heidi is gone.

 

She's working a late shift and won't be back until morning.

 

And now here they are.

 

Alone.

 

And Evan doesn't know what to do or what to say.

 

But Connors finger is running across his bottom lip again, and everything cools down.

 

Once he lets go, Evan opens his eyes.

  
“Just order the chinese food yea?” Connor says and he gets up to turn on the t.v.

 

“I...I…” Evan says quietly and he feels himself shaking.

 

Connor turns around and his eyes widen a little.

 

“What?” He asks and Evan feels panicky again.

 

“I...I can't. Do that. Either.” He says.

 

“Evan you can't live your life like this ya know. What are you not afraid of that you can contribute to tonight?” Connor asks reaching into his pocket for his phone.

 

“I'm not afraid of you.” Evan says suddenly and even he doesn't know where that came from.

 

Connor stops in his tracks.

 

They stare at each other. But then Evan is feeling uncomfortable again and his eyes snap to the floor.

 

“I'm sorry.” He says. “I can't order the food. Or pick the movie. I can't do anything.”

 

“Why not?” Connor remains standing next to the t.v and it's makes Evan feel all the more inferior.

 

“Can...can you sit down please?” Evan asks and he's rubbing at his hands.

 

And for the first time since their friendship began, two weeks ago, Connor does what he's told.

 

Without a single word.

 

“I can't speak in front of people. I can't talk to people. I can't make decision not when other people are involved. I'm not wired that way. Because if I mess up. If something goes wrong, they'll laugh. Those people. I ruin everything I touch. So I don't touch anything at all.”

 

He waits for Connor to speak but the boy doesn't so he continues.

 

“I don't know what I would do if something went wrong. It would be my fault and I couldn't live knowing that. I don't want to know. So I stay away. ”

 

And for another minute or two it's silent.

 

And Evan waits.

 

His heartbeats are matching thunder and he can feel his pulse all the way to the tips of his fingers.

 

And then.

 

Connor is laughing.

 

Evans head snaps up to the boy and he can clearly see Connor laughing.

 

His thick lips pulled back and eyes squinted. His head is thrown all the way back.

 

Evan blushes.

 

“What's so funny?” He asks and Connor calms down.

 

“You make it sound like you're going into war.” He says, wiping his hair from his face.

 

Evan looks away.

 

“Listen. You don't have to order the food if you don't want to. You don't have to pick the movie if you don't want to. But Evan, you gotta start breaking this anxiety. I know it's going to be hard but it's going to be even more hard if you let it grow. I'll do it. I'll do it all-”

 

He signals to the t.v.

 

“But only if you start trying to do it too.”

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

Connor smiles at him. A sweet smile Evan has never seen before.

 

And Evan gives him a small smile back.

 

Connor begins typing the Chinese number on his phone.

 

“7...0...3...” He says as he types.

 

“7...8...7...”

 

Evan sighs

 

95...96...

 

He puts the phone to his ear and waits for the other end to pick up.

 

He does order the food.

 

And he does answer the door to get it.

 

But he only eats what Connor would eat.

 

He goes to sleep that night.

 

A bad taste in his mouth.

 

The next morning Evan comes downstairs to an empty kitchen.

 

Confusion gets laced into his senses and before true worry sets in, he sees a note on the table.

 

He picks it up.

 

_ Sorry I didn't catch you before you woke, had to get an early start for the hospital. Have a good day at school!  _

 

He crumbles the paper up and throws it in the trash, upon returning to the table he's sees his bottle of pills.

 

He told his mother he was running on empty and she went out instantly to get a refill.

 

He reads that as well.

 

_ Sertraline- 100mg _

 

_ Take by mouth twice a day for 1 month. _

 

Without much thought, Evan takes the pills.

 

He goes to school. A red apple clutched in his hand.

 

Hes removing some books from his bag when Zoe says hi.

 

“Hey.” She says quietly, a weird smile on her lips.

 

Evan looks at her, he swallows.

 

“Hi.” 

 

The two stare at eachother while everyone around them moves in fast paces.

 

She gives him another smile and walks away after a minute or so of their staring.

  
And Evan doesn't feel easy about.

 

Evan would describe Zoe Murphy as a character in a book.

 

Someone far from reality. Real, yet fake.

 

They seem as if they're standing in front of your face. But they aren't really there. They're a creation, and you could simply erase them away with an eraser.

 

He couldn't see her any other way.

 

Sure she had her moments of maybe being an actual person, but for the most part Evan could never tell, what was real and what wasn't.

 

He met her in 7th grade.

 

He was running with his shoelace untied and fell, the contents of his pencil case spilling out across the hall.

 

All the other kids ran around the mess. But she stopped and helped him pick it up.

 

He had a crush on her ever since.

 

She was always so kind, so understanding.  She didn't care what people thought about her. She did what she wanted.

 

And every time Evan would look at her, weather it was in the lunchroom or at the jazz band concert, he couldn't look away.

 

An orb of graceful light.

 

That's how he would see her.

 

But around the same time Evan met Connor, Zoe began to change.

 

To the shielded eye the young girl seemed the exact same but to the naked eye, Evans naked eye, she was morphing into something else.

 

Something wicked.

 

The side eyes. The curl of her lip. How she would laugh at a joke, that wasn't funny at all.

 

She made him uncomfortable.

 

Sure everyone made Evan uncomfortable but with Zoe, it was just...an evil feeling. An uncomfortable evil feeling.

 

“Is your sister alright?” Evan asked.

 

It was around the first few days Evan and Connor began their friendship when he asked him this.

 

The first few days where Evan was still stuck on Zoe Murphy, and not her brother.

 

“She was never alright.” Connor simply replies.

 

“Yes she was.” Evan says quietly.

 

He waits a moment but continues when Connor doesn't say anything.

 

“She was happy before. She was kind. Now...now it's like-”

 

“She's a bitch?” Connor cuts in and Evan shakes his head aggressively.

 

“Don't call her that. Don't call anyone that. She seems mean these days but definitely not that.” He quickly mumbles and Connor is laughing.

 

“What have you been doing? Stalking my little sister?” Connor asks and when Evan doesn't reply he gives him a slick smile.

 

“Wait. Don't tell me. You've got a little crush on her do you?” He teases and Evan turns his head away.

 

“No…” He says nervously, the sudden panic filling his bones.

 

Connor is nodding.

 

“Yes you do! Oh this is priceless! How adorable! The perfectly clean Zoe Murphy and her new blue boy Evan Hansen in a tiny perfect relationship. Filled with Holy Bibles, white sheets and extra thick condoms!”

 

“Just stop.” Evan says a bit stronger.

 

“Oh man don't worry bud, I'll be sure to leave a note in her chastity belt with your initials,a heart, and a yes or no question she has to answer-”

 

“Can you stop!” Evan snaps. And he's on his feet, the small number amount of people in the library looks at him.

 

Connor just stares.

 

He takes a deep sigh and sits back down. Trying to regain his regular heartbeat.

 

They both go silent.

 

“I...sorry. I was just playing.” Connor says after another few moments of silence.

 

“It's ok.” Evan says.

 

And they both look at their respectable books.

 

“What I meant to say. Zoe...you're right. She isn't who she used to be. Meaning that innocent girl you met back in middle school. It's not her anymore.”

 

And for a split second Evan can hear the tiredness in the boy.

 

So he drops it.

 

Stores it for another time to ask him.

 

She squeezes his shoulder.

 

“Hi again.” Zoe pulls a strand of her hair behind her ear and Evan catches it just as he is turning around.

 

And maybe before it would have made him swoon but Evan has seen Connor do it a million times.

 

And he looks better.

 

“Hello.” Evan responds quietly and Zoe gives him a small smile.

 

“Is that seat taken?” She asks, signalling to the empty bench in front of Evan.

 

And no matter how much Evan wants to say yes.

 

He doesn't.

 

Because Connor is still in that hospital bed.

 

And he won't be sitting there for a long time.

 

“No.” 

 

And so she takes a seat.

 

They don't say anything for the remainder of the lunch period.

 

But he does have another nightmare that night.

 

Expect he's not on some dark road, watching two orbs of lights come towards him.

 

No.

 

Instead his nightmare ends with his severed head tangled in a spiderweb.

 

And Zoe Murphy with eight legs, sucking the blood from his lifeless body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But I love that ending.


	5. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING  
> SELF HARM INCLUDED IN THIS CHAPTER

Evan doesn't see his mother much for that entire week.

 

Though he isn't complaining.

 

He loves his mother very much yes, but sometimes she can be a bit...overbearing.

 

Evan has always liked his space. He never did quite well in a heavily crowded area.

 

School offered enough people to Evan that he didn't need anymore human contact when he got home.

 

Sometimes his mother understood this and sometimes she didn't.

  
And now that Zoe Murphy sat next to him everyday at lunch, Evan was begging for some peace and isolation.

 

They still didn't speak to one another but even through the silence Evan could feel her.

 

What she wanted to say, what she wanted to do.

 

He couldn't understand why she was there but he could hear her and see her staring at him.

 

He was never a people person. And he was never good with words.

 

The only person he didn't mind being around with for hours upon hours was Connor, and that was only because Connor made him feel less...himself.

 

He would remind Evan that everyone has an awkward stage in life and Evan was going through his.

 

“You will be fine.”

 

“Have you went through your awkward stage?” Evan asks him.

 

“No. “ Connor answers nonchalantly.

 

“I don't think you could be awkward.” Evan laughs nervously.

 

“Why so?” Connor quirks an eyebrow.

 

They are currently hiding out in one of the isles at the library.

 

Connor is looking for a book to read.

 

Evan is looking at Connor.

 

“Because...you're you. You always seem to know what to say.” Evan shrugs and Connor sighs.

 

He goes silent for a moment, looking up at the top shelve. He finally slides out a book and joins Evan on the floor.

 

“In case you haven't noticed...I don't really spend a lot of time around people. Maybe I'm not so awkward because people don't talk to me. I don't get a chance to be awkward.”

 

“And I do?” Evan scoffs.

 

He turns his head and sees Connor staring back at him, something unreadable in his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“You really don't see this stuff do you?” Connor asks incredulously and Evan looks at his fingers.

 

“What am I not seeing?”

 

“People try to speak to you Evan, you just shut them down.” Connor says evenly, staring at the boy almost in a cautious way.

 

“No. Like who?” Evan asks squinting his eyes.

 

“Last school year, you were invited to like 4 parties and you didn't even show up to one.” Connor goes and Evan shakes his head.

 

“I...I...”

 

“Do you not remember that?” Connor says quietly and it's one of those rare moments where the boy isn't being sarcastic or slick.

 

He is seriously confused and worried.

 

“No.” Evan looks away. “I have a horrible memory.”  
  
It gets quiet between them.

 

“Well, how do you know I was invited to those parties?” Evan tries to take the pressure off of himself and give it Connor.

 

“I was around you much more than you thought.” Connor shrugs.

 

“That's a bit creepy.” Evan claps back.

 

“Oh yea, this coming from the boy who's been stalking my little sister since elementary school.” Connor rolls his eyes and Evan chokes.

 

“I don't like her anymore if that's what you're trying to tease me on.” Evan looks back at the boy.

 

“Oh? So who's the next lucky girl...guy?” Connor says lowly and it does something to Evan.

 

“I don't know if I should tell him. He's a smart ass and this will only make his big head bigger.” Evan rolls his eyes and Connor laughs.

 

“You're not awkward right now.” Connor changes the subject and Evan shrugs.

 

“Things seem to come easy with yo- being here.” Evan quickly corrects.

 

Connor lips go into a sort of thin smile.

 

“Right...the library. It helps when we don't have the right words.” Connor continues and Evan shakes his head excessively.

 

“Yea.”

 

“Yea.”

 

“Yea?”

 

He puts the phone back to his ear.

 

“Yea mom. I'm fine. I know you're working hard. I've been fine.”

 

He hasn't but it's ok.

 

“Oh that's good honey, I was so worried.”

 

They go silent.

 

“Uh...what did you need again?” Evan asks lightly. He doesn't want his mom to think he was zoning out which he totally was.

 

If Heidi is bothered she doesn't show it.

 

“Some food please.” She laughs. “I know it seems silly but it's so busy down here, I barely have time to pee. If you could bring me a sandwhich or something in a while I would greatly appreciate it.”

 

Evan picks at his pants.

 

“Yea, I'll be there in 20.” He says slowly and he can practically hear the smile in Heidi's voice.

 

“Thanks honey. See you then.”

 

The phone hangs up, but Evan seems to still be frozen in the position of his phone to his ear.

 

It's been a long time since he's been at the hospital.

 

Not since the...accident.

 

That's what his mother calls it.

 

That's what Dr. Cohen calls it.

 

So Evan calls it the accident.

 

He was climbing a tree and stepped on a weak branch.

 

It couldn't hold his weight so it snapped and he fell.

 

Connor got him up and took him to the hospital.

 

And they never spoke again.

 

And Evans brains go slushy.

 

He sees white spots in his vision and he can practically hear the gears inside his skull trying to work.

  
He's able to pull out every single memory with Connor.

 

Everything the boy has ever said to him.

 

But that day.

 

The day Evan broke his arm.

 

It's as foreign as trying to remember someone else's childhood.

 

And that's kind of what Evan feels.

 

Likes he's trying to remember someone else's experience. Another stranger that broke his arm in the woods.

 

Another person holding Connor's hand getting up.

 

And it sounds stupid.

 

So stupid.

Because it's Evans memory. It's what happened to him. But he can't remember what happened.

 

He can't remember if it really was him.

 

And then he stands up.

 

And he's trying to focus on one thing in his kitchen but his eyes keep going out of focus. So he is just staring.

 

He opens up one of the cabinets below the island at the center of the kitchen.

 

He sinks down till his knees are on the floor.

 

He takes his broken arm, in it's yellowing cast and sticks it in the open cabinet door.

 

And before he has time to really register.

 

He slams the door on his broken arm.

 

And the pain is blinding. So much that the white spots return to his vision and they're more flashy and chaotic.

 

A wild moan/scream creaks and explodes into his throat and spills through his chapped lips.

 

He bangs his head against the door.

 

And he laughs.

 

Because no matter how much Evan wants to believe that what happened that day in the forest didn't happen to him. That it couldn't have happened to him because he's has no recollection of it.

 

The aching pain in his arm reminds him it did.

 

He does this to make sure his mind doesn't go hazy.

 

He fell by accident.

 

He has a broken arm to prove it. And when he forgets he makes sure that pain comes from that arm.

 

And Evan knows it happened.

 

Because sometimes he remembers the grass.

 

And how it turned black before he crashed into it.

 

Evan stands.

 

Wipes off the straying tears.

 

Fixes his shirt.

 

And goes to get his mother food.

 

No one stops him as he walks to the intensive care floor.

 

He doesn't take the elevator.

 

He's never liked them.

 

When he does get to the floor he goes to the front desk and asks if he can see his mother.

 

“You're a sweet kid so I'll let you go.” The receptionist replies bordley. “But hurry up, and don't go into any of the rooms. You could get your mother into a lot of trouble.”

 

Evan doesn't speak. He only nods and walks away.

 

And hes memorized the halls.

 

Hes ran through them when he was a child. Playing hide and seek with the patient's family members. Waiting for his mom to get off the clock.

 

His babysitter would drop him off here after school, she would have to leave early sometimes so Evan would come here.

 

And he knows it like the back of his hand.

 

If that doesn't sound morbid.

 

He knows that the chair all the way to the left next to room 106 is broken and squeaks only when you sit but not when you stand.

 

He knows that behind the painting of a daisy on the opposite wall of room 112 is a cracked wall.

 

A man punched the wall after being told his sister died.

 

And if you look closely on the floor you'll notice that it isn't a marble pattern. It's actually feathers.

 

Evan knows everything about this place.

 

Nothing in here shocks him.

 

Hes heard it all.

 

Hes seen it all.

 

Nothing shocks him.

 

Until it does and Evan is choking on his spit.

 

“Evan...hi.” Zoe Murphy stands up straight after gathering her soda from the vending machine.

 

He wonders if his eyes are as wide as they feel. But judging by the innocent and small smile on Zoe's face, he guesses they're not.

 

“Uh...hi.” He clutches the plastic bag full of sandwiches tighter in his hand to keep his fingers from pulling at his neck.

 

And it just feels so wrong...so awkward.

 

But maybe not to Zoe Murphy.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asks, that small smile still on her lips.

 

“My mom works he-here. I was just bring her some...some uh fo-food.” He holds the bag up, inches away from Zoe's face.

 

But the girl only laughs.

 

“Right, I forgot she worked here.” She stuffs her hands in her pockets and Evan looks down.

 

“Yea. Why are you here?” Evan asks because he is genuinely confused.

 

Yea, Zoe Murphy has been popping in a lot of random places lately, but this is by far the most random.

 

And when the words leave Evans mouth, Zoes smile fades into a decaying set of lips.

 

“Connor is still in the hospital.” She says stiffly and Evans heart drops.

 

 _Shit_.

 

Yes he knew Connor was still in here but he didn't expect Zoe to be around.

 

It was so unlikely to him that he never even linked the two together.

 

“Oh..” Evan murmurs. “Sorry it's just. I thought-I always think-”

 

“That Connor is dead.” Zoe cuts him off and it's so brutal Evan takes a step back.

 

“No...not at all.” Evans furs his eyebrows at her. “Who would think that? Who would want that?”

 

And Zoe is suddenly looking at him and her eyes sit on the fine line between toxic and innocent. Lurking in a shadows. A closed door that hold all the sins.

 

“Who wouldnt.” She says lowly and it isn't a question. It's a statement.

 

And Evan wants to ask her what she means by that but then his mom is wrapping her arm around his shoulders.

 

“You two know each other?” She smiles and then Evan sees Zoe morph back into the Zoe at school.

 

Calm, a little destroyed.

 

Innocent.

 

But now that Evan has seen it.

 

Seen the sins.

 

He knows.

 

“We kind of recently met.” Zoe answers for them both.

 

Evans eyes remain on the floor.

 

The girls start talking some more but Evan isn't listening.

 

He's staring down the hall.

 

Trying to figure out which door opens to a room filled with nothing but white sheets, wires and a skinny boy named Connor Murphy.

 

He keeps looking but it's harder than he thought.

 

He always thought that he could feel Connor and instantly know where the boy is.

 

But there's so much people around him.

 

There's so many words.

 

A sea of sentences and Evans drowning in them and he can't find Connor, he can't find his lifesaver.

 

He can only find the anchor.

 

And he just wants to sink.

 

Evan goes home after another 10 minutes of Heidi and Zoey talking.

 

Zoe invited them both to dinner tomorrow night.

 

Heidi politely declines because she's got work.

 

“But Evan would love to go right?” She nudges her son.

 

And Evan is sinking and if he starts fighting the currents he will sink quicker.

 

He nods.

 

He’ll go slow like this.

  
He’ll die slow.

 

Still searching for Connor while the time passes.

 

And Maybe Evan gets home a little later than he's supposed to because he's still moving in slow motion.

 

And maybe he slams his arm in the cabinet door again.

 

Maybe he does one more time just before he goes to bed.

 

But he suddenly can't remember.

Not when he's asleep.

 

And those two lights are coming at him again on that road.

 

And Evan thinks he can see Connors face in the dark.

 

But he'll never know.

 

 

 

 

He just can't remember.


	6. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again...SELF HARM WARNING

Their clock is white.

 

A white round clock that sits in the kitchen above the dining room entrance.

 

It's the first thing Evan sees when he enters the kitchen.

 

A white clock.

 

And Mr. Murphy.

 

“Hey dad.” Zoe says softly. “You remember Evan right?”

 

Mr. Murphy looks up.

 

“Evan.” He says, a little shock hidden in his eyes. “Nice to see you.”

 

“Same sir.” Evan says slow and low. His eyes still trained on the clock.

 

Both the Murphys follow his eyes and when they see what he's staring at, Zoe laughs.

 

“Yea. I suppose it does look like a clock that belongs in a 50’s housewives kitchen. But it gets the job done. It tells the time.”

 

Evan looks at her. “Right.”

 

There's a painstakingly long moment of awkward silence and unsaid confusion.

 

“Dad. I invited Evan to dinner tonight.” She says. And it's a statement. A stern reestablishment of power.

 

It doesn't matter what Mr. Murphy would say.

 

Evan would stay.

 

“RIght.” Mr. Murphy says, putting down his glass. “Better go tell your mother to put out another dish.”

 

Zoe nods.

 

“Just wait here.” She says to Evan and in moments she's gone, her brown hair exploding against the wind as she speeds through the door.

 

The white clock ticks.

 

And to some ears, it's silent but Evan hears it loud and clear.

 

“Stop staring at the clock weirdo.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

He puts the mug down and grabs some more napkins.

 

“And stop grabbing napkins.” Connor laughs and Evan shakes his head

 

“I know I'm in your house and I'm suppose to give you respect. But...don't be a dick.” Evan looks at the ground and Connor only laughs louder.

 

“You're nervous. All the time.” He says simply and Evan shrugs.

 

“Sometimes I'm not.” He says quietly and he can feel Connors hand on his shoulders.

 

“Yea. Sure.”

 

Evan turns around.

 

The clock ticks.

 

Tick

 

Tick

 

Tick

 

“Won't your parents be here soon?” Evan asks. And Connor looks towards the dinning room door.

 

“I don't know.”

 

“You don't know when they'll be here?” Evan tries to clarify.

 

“I don't know if they're my parents.” Connor says instead and Evan looks away.

 

“Why...are you so far away from them?” Evan asks this time and Connor laughs again.

 

“They bore me.” He answers and Evan tilts his head to the side.

“What do you mean?”

 

But Connor doesn't respond.

 

“Can I show you something?”

 

Mr. Murphy coughs.

 

Evan looks away from the white clock to look at him.

 

“They're ready in there for us.” He pats Evan on the back and the boy takes it as a push to the dining room.

 

So he goes.

 

And it's just how he remembered it.

 

The table cloth this light blue color. And the faint smell of cinnamon, even over all the food on the table.

 

And he's too busy focusing on the details that the Murphys have made and he doesn't see Mrs.Murphy coming in for a hug.

 

But he feels her.

 

And can smell the cinnamon.

 

“Evan, so nice to see you.” She says quietly and Evan can feel her throat shaking.

 

She must be doing ok.

 

He takes a look at the deep purple bags underneath her eyes and the thin lips and pale skin and reckons she looks better than what his mother described her to look like.

 

Evan always thought Cynthia Murphy looked like a stepford wife. In a way she was.

The Murphys were a traditional christian family.

 

And Cynthia didn't work but she busied herself around the house and at the high school. Volunteering and what not.

 

Evan always saw her around the halls, hanging up posters and collecting clothes for the homeless.

She was perfect.

 

They were perfect.

 

What happened?

 

And he's met with the smell of cinnamon.

 

He looks around at the overwhelming amount of photos of the Murphy family.

 

Ski lodges.

 

Beaches.

 

Zoe’s trophies.

  
Connors art and his paintings.

 

Some of Mr. Murphy's vestments hang on the wall.

 

“A trophy room?” Evan asks.

 

Connor shrugs.

 

“A reminder.”

 

“Of the good ole days?”

 

“You could say that.”

 

And Evan walks around the room. His fingers rubbing against the items.

 

Against Connors paintings.

 

“I didn't know you did art.” He says softly.

 

“I didn't. I just painted.”

 

“That is art.” Evan looks at him and Connor laughs.

 

“Art, isn't just painting. It's an emotion. You should feel it.”

 

Evan turns his head back to the large painting in front of him.

 

And exploding kaleidoscope of color. And there's no definite shape. It's only colors. Slick strokes of a soft brush, covered in reds and oranges, pretty yellows and soft blues.

 

No black.

 

No darkness.

 

No sadness.

 

“You didn't feel happy when you made this?” Evan asks, running his fingers against the painting again.

 

“No. I felt nothing.” Connor says quietly.

 

“It won an award.” Evan reads the trophy next to the picture.

 

_1st Place_

_Paint and Passion_

_September 17,2016_

 

“It did.”

 

“What's it called?”

 

“I saw God in my room one night, he gave me this.”

 

Evan looks at him.

 

“I'm not shitting you.” Connor spits a laugh out. And even Evan chuckles at it.

 

“That's quite a name.”

 

“I was quite a person.” Connor looks at the picture from his spot of the door frame.

 

He hasn't moved.

 

“How could you create something so beautiful and feel nothing?” Evan asks.

 

Connor shrugs.

 

“Lying isn't that hard.”

 

“Why did you bring me here?” Evan asks him.

 

Connor's eyes move from the painting and back to Evan.

 

“I couldn't feel anything.”

 

He shakes his head.

 

“Nothing in this room makes me feel something.”

 

Evan touches the painting again.

 

He studies the instruments Zoe has played that now sit dead and frozen on the wall. All the places they went to. All the things they celebrated.

 

“Except for maybe you.”

 

Evan turns around to him.

 

“Connor why did you bring me here?” Evan can feel his heart beating faster.

 

“Because you needed to understand why I do what I do.”

 

“Amen.”

 

Evan takes a seat next to Zoe.

 

“Dinner smells great mom.” Zoe says and maybe there's a smile on her face but Evan isn't looking at her.

  


His eyes stayed glued to the glass plate in front of him.

 

He's too afraid to look up. In fear of making eye contact with any of the Murphys.

 

“Thank you. Evan, what would you like?”

 

Evan shrugs.

 

“I'll take some of everything.” He says quietly. Mr. Murphy laughs.

 

“A boy with a big appetite. I like you son.”

 

Evan gives him a fake shaky smile.

 

“What do you do?” Evan asks and Connor swallows.

 

“This room. It has so many memories. So many archives of things I never seem to remember. I don't feel anything.”

 

“Connor?”

 

“Evan?”

 

“Sorry. What were you saying?” Evan picks up a fork and tries to eat.

 

“How long have you and Zoe known each other?” Mrs. Murphy asks and Zoe laughs.

 

“We’ve known each for quite a long time. Just recently we started talking. Right Evan?”

 

“Right.” Evan clutches his fork a little tighter.

 

What was happening here?

 

Mr. Murphy looks just as confused.

 

“Well that's nice.” Mrs. Murphy smiles. “What started the fire?”

 

“Evan said something really sweet to me a few days ago. And I haven't really been able to let it go.”

 

Zoe looks at him but Evan keeps his eyes on the plate.

 

“How wonderful.” Mr. Murphy chimes in sipping from his glass.

 

“It was about Connor.” Evan blurts out and the table drops to dead silence.

 

“We all do things to feel something Evan.” Connor says moving from the door frame and Evan has no choice to follow.

 

He has no choice to speak.

 

“School has been quite intense lately. I...I-figured-Zoe...she needed someone to tell her that she's still human. She's...still her own self.”

 

And he finally gathers enough courage to look at Zoe.

 

He looks at Connor in horror.

 

Lines.

 

Lines that run across his stomach.

 

“Did you do that to yourself?” He asks and Connor shakes his head.

 

“No. Evan it's different.”

 

“You cut yourself.” Evan says and it sounds angry.

 

“I remind myself.” Connor says simply. “I remind myself that not everything is permanent or as real as you may think it is. This boredom I see in my family. This life I keep living. This...this simple part is not promise. And there will be a time when I will feel again. And maybe pain is the only emotion I can feel right now but I'll take it.”

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“We are not always what we think we are.” Connor says staring deep into Evan's eyes.

 

“And we are not always what we think we are.” Evan repeats when Mrs. Murphy asks him to speak up.

 

“You can't expect me to be ok with this.” Evan asks and his voice for once isn't filled with fear or anxiety. But horror and disbelief. He stutters not an ounce.

 

“I expect you to understand.” Connor says. “Just like I understand why you can't order the food or pick the movie. I had to tell you.”

 

“Jesus Christ.” Evans eyes roam over Connors naked torso. And he can't focus on anything but the lines.

 

The faded ones.

 

The red ones.

 

“Oh Evan.” Zoe smiles.

 

The rest of the table remains silent.

 

“Does the school really talk about Connor that much?” Mrs. Murphy asks and her voice shakes. She's got something caught in her eyes.

 

“Excuse me.” Mr. Murphy throws his napkin on the table and abruptly leaves.

 

“Evan that was beautiful.” Zoe continues, ignoring her father's random exit.

 

Evan looks at Mrs. Murphy.

 

“The entire school wore yellow to honor him.” He tells her and Mrs. Murphy smiles.

 

“I didn't know Connor had so many friends.”

 

Evan remain silent.

 

_He didn't._

 

Zoe remains quiet.

 

“Yea. I guess he did.” Evan says.

 

“Do you want to see my instrument collection?” Zoe asks instead but Evan is still looking at Cynthia.

 

“Connor never struck me as a yellow person.”

  
Mrs. Murphy laughs. “He wasn't.”

 

“I have some movies in my room, if you want to put one on?”

 

“Did you know Connor?” Mrs. Murphy asks.

 

“I saw him around. I'm not very social.”

 

“Neither was he I-”

 

“CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM FOR ONE SECOND?!” Zoe screams and the two nap their eyes from each other and look at her in horror.

 

“GET OUT!” Zoe screams.

 

“Zoe please.” Mrs. Murphy replies but Evan can see the boredom in her eyes.

 

“Evan leave!” She jumps up and Evan does so too.

 

He doesn't say anything to anyone but instead sped walks out the dining room. Past the kitchen.

 

With the ticking white clock.

 

“Help me feel again Evan.” And Evan can't breathe.

 

“Ok.” And he pulls Connor shirt down.

 

And it's silence between the two of them.

Connors Murphy's white clock ticking in the background.

 

And Evans home doesn't have a clock.

 

It has his cabinet though.

 

And when he closes the door on his arm he doesn't think it's because he can remember what happened the day he broke his arm.

 

Maybe he did it to feel something.

 

Maybe he did it in hopes of Connor showing up.

 

He prays that night.

 

He asks God to bring Connor home.

 

And to fix Zoe Murphy.

 

He asks for whatever secrets Mr. Murphy is hiding be shown.

 

And that Mrs. Murphy gets some sleep.

 

And yet no matter how much begging Evan did.

 

He couldn't help but to feel like it wasn't working.

 

Like he was burning.

 

He has another nightmare that night.

 

And he knows it's another nightmare.

 

He just can't remember what it was about.

 

Maybe those two lights on the dark road.

 

Maybe Zoe Murphy crawling from her web.

 

Maybe it was Connor slicing open his stomach and unspooling his intestines.

 

He just can't remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whats going on with Evan guys


	7. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys Ive been a bit busy

Zoe speaks to him the next day at school.

 

“Hey.” She says quietly, a hint of a smile in her voice.

 

Evan can't look her in the eye.

 

“Hello.”

 

They stand there like that. The remnants of last night clear and heavy between them. And Evan doesn't know if he should say something. The way Zoe is looking at him means he should but he just can't understand what.

 

“I wanted to say sorry.” Zoe finally answers. She closes her eyes and runs her fingers through her messy hair. “What I did. It was rude. And uncalled for. I've embarrassed my family and myself. I really am sorry.” She breathes out and Evan finally gathers enough courage to look into her eyes.

 

And he sees Connors eyes in her.

 

A mixture of poison and antidote. A combination of sunlight and a cracking moon.

 

The yin and the yang.

 

The good and the bad.

 

He can't stay upset with her.

 

He never was.

 

“It's ok.” Evan answers closing his locker. "We all get a little angry sometimes.”

 

“Connor used to get angry all the time.” She snaps and it's quick and sudden.

 

Evan turns his head away in shock.  

 

“I'm sorry?” He says.

 

“Connor didn't get angry sometimes. He got angry all the time. Don't act like you didn't see. Everyone in this school did.”

 

“Zoe, I know you're scared for him but-”

 

“I'm not scared-.” She looks down while a few kids walk past her.

 

“I'm not scared.”

 

Evan looks back down at his cast.

 

“So what are you?”

 

She doesn't miss a beat.

 

“I'm upset.”

 

“You-you just have to calm down sometimes that's all.”

 

He slams his fist into the wall.

 

“That's not ok Evan!” Connors voice is sharp and wild.

 

And they're fighting.

 

They're fighting their first fight.

 

“I see nothing wrong with it.” Evan shakes his head but Connor's eyes stop him in his tracks.

 

“Of course you don't! You let people walk over you all the time! But I don't! And I'm not standing for that bullshit!”

 

And before Evan can register, Connor is grabbing his jacket.

 

“Just relax!” Evan squeaks. He stands up and places both of his hands on Connor's shoulders. “They're just words.”

 

“They aren't just words! Why can't you get it through your thick skulls that words are never simply words! Everything someone says matters! Weather it good or bad. Jesus Christ Evan just move!”  

 

But Evan stands still. His hands still pressed against Connor's shoulders.

 

And he can feel the anger bubbling in Connor. He can feel the heat.

 

“Evan I said move.” He says oddly calm and it's tight. Evan shakes.  

 

But he doesn't move.

 

And he can't be brave enough to look Connor in the eye. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor.

 

“They called you a fag Connor. Just let it go.” Evan tries again but Connor only grows more tense.

 

“Evan I swear on everything. You will be hurt if you do not move.” And his voice is deep. Deep and full of anger.

 

“I would rather you hurt me than have them hurt you.” Evan says and he can't explain where those words came from but he's never been so honest. “I'm not moving.”

 

There's silence between them.

 

And all that can be heard is the noise Evan has memorized so well.

 

The white clock ticking.

 

The crickets from the forest.

 

Heavy breathing.  

 

But for the most part it's silence.

 

And then Evans painful scream.

 

Zoe sits next to him at lunch again.

 

And Evans fine with that.

 

Because maybe he didn't want to be alone today.

 

His mother greets him when he walks through the door.

 

“W-what are you doing home so early?” He takes out his headphones and she gives him an awkward laugh.

 

“I had an early shift. Got out on time for once. Neat huh?” She smiles at him as she picks up her mug.

 

“Yea, that's cool.” Evan nods and goes up the stairs.

 

“Any request for dinner?” She calls out.

 

“Chinese please?”

 

He closes the door to his room and leans against it trying to take a deep slow normal breath.

 

But he just ends up staring at the camera in his room.

 

He almost forgot about it.

 

Almost.

 

It sits in the far corner. A red light flickering on and off to indicate it's working.

 

Evan tilts his head at it.

 

He begins thinking of all the things the camera has witnessed. The stories it knows. At this point the camera probably has a better idea of what's going on than him.

 

His mother had it installed the second month of summer. Right after the incident.

 

The first time Evan ever blacked out.

 

Or the first time where it really affected everyone.

 

He doesn't exactly remember what happened or what he did. He just knows he woke up covered in bruises.

 

So his mom had the camera put in.

 

In his room and around the house.

 

Dr. Cohen said it would be good because anytime Evan did something bad he would be able to go back and see it. This would help Evan.

 

But Evan has never seen a video from the thing.

 

Not a single one.

 

He doesn't know if his mother even looks at the footage. He just knows that it is always on.

 

Evan stares at the camera. He doesn't know how long he looks at it but eventually his mother calls him down for dinner.

 

“You didn't clean up?” She asks, a bit bewildered.

 

Evan shrugs taking a seat at the table. “I... I uh got really caught up in homework.”

 

They don't talk while they eat.

 

The next day, Evan runs into Jared outside the high school.

 

It's humid out, and the clouds are grey and not an ounce of blue can be seen.

 

The sunlight isn't there.

 

At first he doesn't know what to say. Figures the last time he saw Jared, the boy got creeped out and left. He was crying in the bathroom after all, it was a weird sight to see.

 

But to Evans surprise, Jared speaks to him first.

 

“I seen you talking to Zoe Murphy.” He says and there's no anger or suspicion behind it. He's literally just saying it to say.

 

Evan picks at his cast.

 

“Y-yea. I guess we are friends now.” It's quiet and low and he thinks maybe Jared didn't hear but the boy scoffs.

 

“And are you happy with that?”

 

Evan doesn't look at him, instead focuses his attention on the grass. He thinks long and hard about an answer to give. One that won't hurt anyone.

 

Especially Zoe.

 

“Zoe. She needs a friend.” He chooses to say and Jared goes silent for a moment.

 

“And you don't?” He asks instead and Evan grows impatient.

 

“Why are you talking to me?” The boy asks instead and Jared shrugs.

 

And it's Jared's turn to go silent. Evan can almost see the gears turning in his head.

 

“What are you doing tonight?” He asks, and Evan swallows.

 

“Nothing. Why?” Evan answers and Jared makes a face.

 

“Meet me at the diner? On 4th street?”  

 

Evan doesn't know why he says yes.

 

He just knows he won't pick up the phone for Connor.

 

No matter how many times the boy calls Evan won't answer it.

 

He won't.

 

He sits in his room, huddled in a corner he never thought he’d hide in.

 

And the noise is loud, it hurts Evan.

 

But the bruise on his arm hurts even more.

 

He won't answer it.

 

He won't.

 

So he just stares at his screen, and tries to figure out when everything fell apart.

 

He isn't mad with Connor. He can never be mad. No matter what the boy did he would always be in Evans thoughts and happy place.

 

A work of art eluded from sunlight and kept in a forest to which only Evan had access to.

 

He wasn't something you could hate or dislike.

 

He was something you either took or left.

 

And Evan didn't mind carrying the weight of that painting.

 

No matter how many splinters he got from the wood.

 

But he just couldn't talk to Connor right then.

 

What would he say?

 

What would Connor say?

 

_I'm sorry I hurt you?_

 

Connor didn't say sorry often. How would Evan know he would say it this time?

 

The phone rings again and Evan thinks of the red lines he saw on Connor's torso.

 

And he wonders if those red lines would himself like they help Connor.

 

He wonders what would happen, if they both drew red lines on their skin.

 

Would he turn into Connor?

 

Would he finally understand Connor?

 

“You knew Connor.” Jared finally answers and Evan chokes.

 

“Didn't we all?” He tries to say in a normal tone but he knows Jared sees right through it.

 

“Not like you did.”

 

They both go silent.

 

“Connor and I were friend at some point yes.” Evan tells him.

 

He looks around at the diner and his stomach only drops more.

 

When did he get here?

 

He never went to the diner with Connor. It was always too crowded for them.

 

They liked their privacy.

 

“Why'd you guys stop?” Jared asks and Evan swallows.

 

_Good question._

 

“No reason.” Evan answers and Jared just stares at him with a blank look.

 

“I don't believe that.” The boy says to him and Evan shakes his head.

 

“Believe what you want.”

 

They go silent.

 

The waitress comes by and brings their food. Jared ordered pancakes, Evan just got some coffee.

 

“Don't eat much?” Jared asks.

 

“Why do you keep doing this?” Evan finally comes out and Jared shrugs.

 

“I saw something.” Jared only answers and it makes Evan annoyed.

 

“What did you see? Was it about me?”  

 

Jared finishes cutting up his pancakes and begins to eat them.

 

“It was.” He chews quietly and keeps his eyes trained on the plate.

 

They both remain silent until Evans cup screeches against the table.

 

“What did I do?”

 

And the answer stunned Jared. So much that the boy chokes and looks Evan in the eye.

 

“You know what you did Evan?” And though it's a statement Jared says it like a question.  

 

And Evan gets the same look he got in the bathroom that day.

 

Confusion and worry.

 

“I... I-I” Evan tries to get out but the waitress is coming back over with her pot of coffee and the check.

 

On the way out, Evan finally gets his words into the correct order.

 

“I don't remember.” He tells Jared and Jared shakes his head.

 

“I see.”

 

They leave the diner but neither one take the route back home, instead they go the opposite way and make their way to the high school. And Evan assumes Jared's not done. He doesn't really know what they're doing or why they're walking this way.

 

But he's fine with it.  

 

Evan just doesn't want to go home. He just wants to know what he did.

 

“What did I do?’ Evan asks as the two boys walk in a rhythmic pattern.

 

Jared doesn't respond. He stays silent, eyes trained on the scenery before him.

 

So Evan doesn't push it. They continue this walk, silent as the October winds touch their skin.

 

And it's fine at first, but Evan gets a little shaky when the two pass the high school and keep walking.

 

“Where are we going?” Evan asks again and Jared doesn't really answer.

 

“We are going to where we are going.” He says instead. And though Evan has every right to stop and turn around and go home.

 

He doesn't.

 

He follows.

 

He continues to walk hoping he is as invisible as he feels but it doesn't work because Connors hand is on his shoulder.

 

The same hand that hit him.

 

Evan flinches.

 

“No.“Says Connor finally. “Don't do that to me, don't treat me like I'm this monster Evan stop.”

 

 

Evan looks down but doesn't reply.

 

“I'm sorry.” Connor says and his voice sounds strained. “I was just really mad and I was a douc bag I'm so sorry Evan please don't flinch from me. It's me!”  

 

And finally, Evan looks at Connor.

 

And yes the boy looks tired and destroyed and there is still spots of anger on the boy's face but there will always be anger there no matter how much scrubbing Evan does.

 

“I... don't want to talk right now.” Evan says quietly and he can see the anger building in Connor but the boy simply takes a breath.

 

“I am sorry. Evan you have to believe me I didn't mean to do it. I just got so mad about what they said about me, what they said about you-”

 

Evan cuts him off.

 

“And you would only make it worse.”

 

“Worse.” Connor repeats.

 

And Evan can't help but to choke out a small unforgiving laugh.

 

“Yeah.”

 

They stand there like that.

 

“How could you constantly be thinking about what other people think of you?” Connor asks and he squints his eyes.

 

Evan doesn't answer.

 

“I'm not mad that you hit me. I'm not mad at all.” And now it's Connors turn to laugh.

 

“I know.”

 

“So why are you saying sorry?” Evan asks.

 

And Connor pulls his hair back, out of his face.

 

“You may not feel a lot of things, but you still have to confront it.”

 

He feels Connor's lips against his soon after.

 

And he smells the wet trees when he opens his eyes.

 

On the side of a dark street in the middle of nowhere.

 

A place where even the moon can't light up the dirt filled ground and broken branches.

 

“Where are we?” Evan asks a bit nervously and Jared doesn't answer.

 

He keeps his eyes trained on Evan and though it's pitch black out, Evan can see them clearly.

 

“This is where it happened.” Jared says simply and that's all he needs to say.

 

Evan knows.

 

And it's like his heart drops to his feet.

 

A place so quiet. So calm. It's unbelievable how much violence happened here.

 

“The teen hit them over there.” Jared points to the opposite side.

 

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

 

 

They stand there in the dark for a few more minutes and Evan can't think.

 

“Why did you bring me here?” He asks again and Jared cackles.

 

“You sure have a lot of questions.” He says finally and Evan shakes as the wind gets wild.

 

“Is that-is it a bad thing?” He asks wrapping his arms around him and he hears Jared sigh.

 

“In most cases no. But this one, yes.”

 

And Evan shakes his head to wear off the new forming anxiety.

 

“W-why is it bad to ask these questions?” He looks at the road.

 

He looks at the ground.

 

The setting of impact.

 

And he doesn't remember closing his eyes.

 

 

“Because you already have these answers Evan. You were standing right there that night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill try to update as soon as I can xx


	8. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...this is awkward.  
> I told you guys I fully expect to finish this story. Just bear with me with these updates.  
> Anyways this is a favorite chapter of mine and I hope you enjoy it. Yes I know the grammar and spelling is fucked but I promise to fix it tomorrow I just really wanted to update asap. 
> 
> I will be updating my Hamilton fic soon too. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.

The ground shakes where he is standing.

 

Evan hears the roaring of an engine but he doesn't see it.

 

Then those two lights come spurring through the darkness. 

 

Fast and erratic Evans gasps in fear and holds his hands up to protect himself.

 

He braces for impact.

 

He opens his eyes.

 

Connors photos stare at him from the ceiling of his cracking white wall.

 

And in the midst of the silence that Evan has memorized so well, he hears the beeping of the camera.

 

His sense overflow with reality and suddenly he can hear and smell and taste everything.

 

He snaps his eyes closed.

 

He can't see everything too.

 

He can't stand the sight of the sunlight through his curtains.

 

No.

 

Not right now.

 

He waits for this to past.

 

The vulnerability he feels.

 

How much air is filling his lungs, it's too much for him to actually breathe properly.    
  


His ears feel like they're going to bleed and explode with sounds.

 

Cars from the outside, his radiator, the radio playing in the living room down stairs it's all too much for Evan to comprehend.

 

He taste blood.

 

He was there that night.

 

The night of the accident.

 

He was standing right there. 

 

Why?

 

And how did Jared know?

 

Was he there too?

 

Heidi knocks on the door.

 

“Evan? Come on get up or you'll be late!”

 

When he does get downstairs, his mother gives him a light smile.

 

“You ok there sport? Never like you to oversleep.”

 

Evan shrugs.

 

“I was just tired I guess.” He takes his apple and starts towards the front door.

 

“Wait honey, your medicine.” Heidi hands him the bottle just before he rushes past her.

 

Evan holds it in his hands and stares at it.

 

“Something wrong?” Heidi asks with a smile.

 

“This stuff...what does it do for me exactly?” Evan asks and he tries to make it sound as nonchalantly as possible. He doesn't want his mother to get worried.

 

She would only make the situation worse.

 

Heidi looks taken back by the question.

 

“Well...uh...it helps with your memory loss, and your anxiety. Makes you less fidgety.” She makes hand gestures. “You don't feel it?” She tilts her head and Evan shakes his aggressively.

 

“No I do. I always did.” He looks down at the orange bottle. “I was just-”

 

“Curious.” They both say and it almost makes Evan laugh.

 

Almost.

 

“Right.” Replies Heidi. “I get it.”

 

Evan shakes his head. He opens up the pill bottle and takes out two pills. He pops them in his mouth and swallows before his mother can say another thing.

 

“Thanks mom.” 

 

Heidi shakes her head.

 

And Evan leaves.

 

He’s already late.

 

And Connor knows he hates being late.

 

But here Evan is.

 

Standing alone in the middle of the football field.

 

The lights pour onto him and he's drowning in them but for the sake of Connor, Evan stays afloat.

 

He can't come up with an answer as to why Connor wanted to meet here.

 

In public.

 

Out in the open.

 

It isn't normal for them.

 

Not at all.

 

Jared touches his cast when he's at his locker.

 

“When do you get it off?” He asks in a normal tone.

 

Evan ignores him.

 

“Why was I there that night?” He instead asks and Jared cackles.

 

“Beats me. Does it hurt? Can I poke it?”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Evan.”

 

“Connor.”

 

They stand opposite of eachother.

 

Like opposing sides in a war.

 

And Evan has never felt this much tension in his life.

 

“I can't tell you what you were doing there that night Evan. I'm not you.” Jared rolls his eyes and begins walking away.

 

So Evan follows.

 

“Well at least tell me what  _ you _ were doing there?” Evan whispers.

 

“Can't.” Jared says looking straight ahead.

 

“Why not?” Evan says a bit frustrated.

 

“Because that's none of your business. Look.” He turns around to face Evan.

 

“If you want to figure out what happened that night, you're going to have to be a little more independent.”

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“I told you I have a bad memory.” He says lowly and Jared rolls his eyes.

 

“So get yourself to remember.” He doesn't wait for Evan to respond. He leaves.

 

And Evan stands in the hallway. 

 

He's always hated not knowing what was happening.

 

But being with Connor Murphy meant you would be confused for majority of the time.

 

Hes accepted it.

 

“Listen to me.” Connor says, eyes glued to Evan.

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“There's nothing you can say Connor. I've seen too much. You know that.”

Connor takes a step forward and Evan takes a step back.

 

“I told you we were never perfect.” Connor says.

 

“Yea but you never said you guys were this fucked up too.” And Evan isn't scared.

 

He feels nothing but shock.

 

The overwhelming need to hurt someone.

 

To hurt  _ him _ .

 

“You're lying Connor.” And he can feel the tears.

 

“You say you don't feel anything but pain. You say you're fine but you're lying. You're not fine at all. And it isn't because you're bored. It's because of that man.” He walks backwards. Keeping his eyes trained on Connor.

 

“You tell everyone and everything we ever had will be obliterated Evan.”

 

“What were you doing in that bathroom Connor?” Evan asks. 

 

And maybe he lost Zoe the day he fell in love with Connor.

 

Maybe he couldn't have the Murphy siblings both be perfect so instead he chose Connor.

 

He took all the things he planted in Zoe and put them into her brother and watched a forest of beauty and awe grow out. 

 

But sometimes he just wishes he stayed with Zoe.

 

Sometimes he wishes he never met Connor.

 

“Sometimes I forget he's gone.” Zoe suddenly says at lunch.

 

Evan remains quiet.

 

_ Let her talk. _

 

“Just feels like he's playing music in his room upstairs. I never saw him when he was alive. Makes sense I would be the same when he's dead.”

 

“He isn't dead.” Evan replies.

 

“He's in coma Evan. No one survives that.”

 

Evan doesn't answer her.

 

He instead thinks about the camera in his room.

 

He wonders what it saw, what it captured.

 

“Did you ever see Connor...freak out?” Evan chooses to ask instead.

 

Zoe looks a little taken back by it but answers nonetheless.

 

“A few times. And it was always over the most stupid things. ” Zoe answers and she's got a smile on her face.

 

“Right.” Is all Evan replies with.

 

But Zoe doesn't stop.

 

“Once, when we were in middle school, I stole his art brushes from him and tried to draw my own picture. Connor freaked out and ended up pushing me off the slide during recess when he found out.”

 

Evan looks down at his tray. “Did you tell anyone?”

 

“No. He was my brother, it was his job to make my life hell. And I was too young to see that Connor wasn't right. He wasn't normal.”   
  


“I'm sorry.” Is all Evan can say.

 

Suddenly he feels Zoe’s hands on his.

 

“I tried to watch him before we disconnected. I tried to keep a close eye on him, to help him when he freaked out but it was no use. Something that is always watching you is only hurting you. Constrictions are deadly.”

 

Evan doesn't look at her. 

 

They go back to silence.

 

His mother isn't home when he gets back from school, the house is all quiet and empty and Evan is thankful for it.

 

When he gets to his room he stares at the camera some more.

 

_ Constrictions are deadly. _

 

He gets the hammer from the tool box underneath the kitchen sink.

 

And slowly, and loudly.

 

He breaks the camera off the wall and hides it under his bed.

 

Connor never liked to be watched.

 

Evan never liked to be watched.

 

His mind goes fuzzy after that.

 

It's almost as if he can breathe a little lighter.

 

Like the camera was a vacuum in his room, sucking out all the air and it making it impossible for Evan to breathe like a human being.

 

He held his breath for so long that he sometimes coughed up the dust from his lungs.

 

He used to think they were remenits of the pills he took but now he understands.

 

_ Constrictions are deadly. _

 

Connor felt the same way.

 

He just didn't tell Evan.

 

Connor wanted Evan to be his, just like Evan wanted Connor to be his.

 

He was in love.

 

Evan realized the day the rain came but never seemed to stop.

 

They sat underneath a tree, feeling the water on their skin and thin shirts.

 

“D-don't you want to go back home? You're soaking wet!” Evan screams from under his arms.

 

He hated when water got into his eye.

 

But Connr didn't answer. 

 

For a while he sat there staring at the storm before him. Something of a smile on his face. 

 

And when it felt like forever passed by Evan, Connor finally got up and walked from under the tree.

 

He held his head back and let the water soak him. Covering his entire body, his hair a sloppy mess.

 

But Evan was only staring at his face.

 

Someone, who always permanently looked upset, emotionless, and tired. Someone who swore they could not feel happiness.

 

Now stood relaxed before him.

 

And Evan was amazed.

 

How could something so beautiful be within grasped from him?

 

How could something fall from the sky and let him witness it's healing process.

 

How could Connor stand to be around with something as inferior as Evan was to him?

 

And he does it before he could think.

 

He just gets up and walks over to Connor, rain soaking him up as well.

 

And each step feels like he's climbing a mountain and he thinks his head is going to explode with how high he is climbing but he can't stop.

 

Hes got to get to Connor.

 

And Connors still got his eyes closed. He's still away from planet Earth but Evan wants him to come back down.

 

So he can kiss him.

 

And when Connor opens his eyes he doesn't look shocked or creeped out by Evan standing so close to him.

 

He just looks beautiful.

 

“You are perfect.” Evan says through the rain and he doesn't know if Connor hears it or not.

 

Because Connors smile disappears.

 

And he just pulls him in for a kiss.

 

A light kiss that drowns Evan more than the rain.

 

And the water in the bathtub doesn't feel as good as the water on his skin that day.

 

So Evan comes up for air.

 

He wipes his face, trying to get the water out of his eyes.

 

When suddenly his phone dings.

 

He reaches over to pick it up, careful not to ruin the plastic on his arm or drop his phone in the tub.

 

It's a text from Jared.

 

**Hey. Meet me in the auditorium tomorrow at 8. Think you might want to hear what I have to say.**

 

Evan doesn't bother trying to reply.

 

Jared has already fucked up a large amount of his day he won't give him anymore attention tonight.

 

He thinks maybe he can breathe for another few hours or so, until he has to go back out to reality.

 

But his phone is ringing this time.

 

At first he isn't going to answer it because he just thinks it's Jared being a dick.

 

But it's an unknown number and he has Jareds number so it can't be him.

 

He answers.

 

“Hello?’ He says a bit breathy.

 

“Evan? Hi. It's me Zoe.” She sounds a little broken and far away.

 

“Uh. What's wrong?” He tries not to sound too surprised or confused.

 

But then Zoe Murphy is speaking again, and all that confusion in Evan drains and begins to be replaced by a sickening feeling in his stomach, and a bad taste in his mouth.

 

“I- I didn't know who else to really call. I have no friends. I just need someone to tell me it's alright because I'm so scared. The police have come back to my house. And they're telling us there's no way those drunk drivers hit my mothers car that night Evan.”

 

Evan kissed Connor that Virginia summer day in the rain.

 

“They suspect foul play. They think it's more to the story and they're bringing my mother in for questioning. Evan, they think she might have done it on purpose.”

 

The day the rain came, but never seemed to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aww shit.


	9. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is like the quickest update ever. Pat on the back :)

He felt like this all the time.

 

An embarrassment.

 

A shadow.

 

Something stuck in the trees, so weak that one blow from the wind would make him fall apart.

 

And in a way.

 

He was.

 

He stayed against the walls.

 

A ghost.

 

Following everyone around him with the intent to understand them. Make himself a replica of them in hopes of belonging.

 

But he just couldn't cope with them. He couldn't blend in enough.

 

So he stood out.

 

As a shadow.

 

As a ghost.

 

He didn't mean to.

 

It's just the way God has made him.

 

A simple person, left to the cold icy hands of oblivion and past.

 

A nameless figure only relevant to a population of dusty pages and hardcover books in the library.

 

It's almost as if he wasn't meant to exist.

 

Evan was fine with that.

 

He was.

 

But it's just sometimes.

 

What you conform to, is what you fear.

 

Fear owns humanity.

 

And fear has owned Evan his entire life.

 

“What are you waiting for?” Connor screams wake Evan up and he looks down the branches of tree he is sitting on to find his friend at the bottom.

 

Eyes squinted and on Evan.

 

And something wild is beating inside Evan.

 

He can't explain it.

 

The way Connor is looking at him, the boys head raised towards the sky, hand trying to shield his eyes from the sunlight.

 

He just feels something.

 

Maybe it's that fear.

 

“Just jump!” Connor screams.

 

“It's really high!” Evan says shakly.”What if I hurt myself?”

 

He hears Connor suck his teeth.

 

“Pain is normal Evan.” The boy puts his head down and Evan moves a little to get his attention.

 

Connor looks back up.

 

“Connor I can't do this.” 

 

Evan grips the branch a little tighter.

 

The sunlight is starting to break through the clouds more and more, a powerful orb of light draping itself against the woods and Evan.

 

Evan can't move.

 

He didn't remember the auditoriums red curtain.

 

He thought they were blue.

 

“You said it yourself. You're invisible.”

 

“Evan.”

 

“If you die. Who will notice you're gone?”

 

“Evan?”

 

“Won't you?” Evan says out loud.

 

“Won't you what?” Jared asks confused.

 

They're sitting on the stage now, the two of them. And Evans gripping the edge of the stage like he was gripping the tree branch.

 

“You do that a lot.” Jared states and Evan looks at his shoes nervously.

 

“Do what?” He asks.

 

“Zone out. It's like you're never fully here. Are you ever fully here?” And Evan can't take the question seriously, because Jareds voice is to full of sarcasm to ever be taken seriously.

 

He doesn't answer.

 

“Why did you call me here?” He finally gathers enough courage to look at Jared.

 

Jared doesn't answer.

 

“You heard about Cynthia Murphy?” He looks towards the exits, almost as if he's scared of being caught.

 

Of talking about the untalkable.

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“Zoe called me and told me about it last night.”

 

“Zoe Murphy huh?” Jared scoffs and Evan snapps his head to him.

 

“It's not what you think.” Evan looks away. “She needs a friend.”

“Yeah and you needs a pussy.” And Evan can just feel Jareds eye roll.

 

Without another word Evan gets up and begins walking away.

 

“Hey! Now wait a minute, wait a minute!” Jared gets up from the stage and runs towards Evan.

 

He looks at him.

 

“It's a joke Hansen. Jesus. Thought you had a better sense of humor from what I remembered.”

 

“Are you going to tell me some actual useful information or are we just going to waste our-”

 

“Ok, ok I get it chill.” Jared holds his hands up as a surrender. “You're not really in the joking mood.”

 

Evan stills.”Would you be?”

 

“No. Not at all I suppose.” Jared walks away from Evan and takes a seat at the edge of the stage again. “Everything's fucked.”

 

“What did you want to tell me?” Evan asks tirdly and Jared shrugs.

 

“You won't believe me if I say it so what's the use.”

 

Evan shifts from one foot to the other. “Why do you say that?”

 

“Because no one ever believes in the fat kid.” Jared says sarcastically and Evan looks down.

 

“A lot. Has happened to me these past weeks. I will believe anything if it means figuring out what's going on.”

 

Evan holds his breath, hoping it's enough for Jared to confess whatever he wanted to tell before. 

 

But Jared shakes his head. 

 

“I'm sorry. Nevermind.” But the boy doesn't move from his spot on the stage.

 

So Evan joins him. His shoulders drop and he realises a breath of air he didn't know he was holding.

 

“It's ok.”

 

They sit there in silence.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Jared asks and Evan shrugs.

 

“Ok.”

 

“Your memory loss? Is it a medical diagnosis? Or is it just something you think you have.”

 

“Diagnosis.” Evan answers. 

 

Jared doesn't say anything so Evan looks up to him.

“What?”

 

“It's just...do you take something for it?” Jared asks again.

 

“Yeah...why?” Evan quirks an eyebrow.

 

“Maybe. You should stop taking it. Seems like it's not working that's all.”

 

“What did I forget? That's so important?” Evan asks and Jared looks away.

 

“We both were there Evan.” Jared answers. “The night Connor and his mom got into the accident.”

 

“Did Mrs. Murphy really crash the car on purpose?” Evan asks a bit scared of the answer.

 

“I don't know for sure.” Jared tells him.”It was too dark to tell.”

 

Evan looks back down.

 

“Maybe you should ask her yourself.”

 

“But I'm afraid to. I've never even really spoken to her before. What if she thinks I talk weird and too fast?” Evan says a bit nervously.

 

“Oh relax, you're asking for a glass of water, not my hand in marriage.” Connor rolls his eyes and Evan leans against the wall.

 

“I thought she wasn't home. I thought everyone wasn't home.” He wraps his arms around himself to stop the overwhelming feeling of vulnerability.

 

Connor scoffs.

 

“She's finished with her most recent housewife hobby; turns out white people really can't dance.” Connor shakes his head and Evan drops his arms.

 

“I'd rather you just get the water for me.” Evan tries but Connor holds his hand up, eyes still planted in the book.

 

“Evan. She won't say anything. Just go get it. You're going to be spending a lot more time here and soon these people are going to see you. Just get it over with. Rip it off like a band aid.”

 

“I'm spending a lot more time here?” Evan asks a bit breathy and this gets Connors full attention. His eyes rip away from the book quickly and meet Evans.

 

“Yeah. I've decided so.”

  
They go silent.

 

“You must really like me then.” Evan tries to joke but Connor nods.

 

“You suck less than everyone else.” And Connor is going back to his book, storing the moment away to past.

 

Evan has something of a smile on his face at that.

 

He's happy that he sucks less.

 

“Now go get your water before you dehydrate.” Connor says slickly and Evan groans quietly.

 

But he does go.

 

_ Like a band aid. _

 

He thinks.

 

_ LIke a band aid. _

 

_ Like a band aid. _

 

_ Like a ban- _

 

“I just don't know what to do Asher. It's getting out of hand.”

 

He stops just before his hand reaches the doorknob.

 

Silence.

 

“I know what you're saying but it's not doing any use. I've tried to talk to Larry and it's no use. He doesn't want to listen, he doesn't believe Connor is really doing it.”

 

Evan walks cautiously back, away from the door.

 

He doesn't want to hear anything. It's none of his business.

 

“Yes! I'm sure! They were cut marks, all over his torso they were red. I know what I saw!”   
  


But Evan’s heart drops a little and before he can register he walks back towards the door to listen.

 

“I've ignored them, I've tried but it's only getting worse. More is coming and soon he's going to run out of space. I'm scared.”

 

He licks his lips.

 

“I've tried giving him all that I can, I don't know why he is unhappy. I don't know why he hates us.”

 

She knows.

 

“I just want him to stop hurting Asher.”

 

Cynthia Murphy.

 

“I just want him to stop hurting.”

 

The school bell rings.

 

“I'm afraid to.”

 

Fear owns humanity.

 

“I was being sarcastic Evan.”

  
They sit in silence again, while the halls on the outside are crowded with children.

 

“Stop taking that medicine Evan.” Jared finally says. WIthout another word he hops down off the stage and begins to walk towards the front doors. But he stops.

 

“Well you coming?” He quirks an eyebrow at Evan and Evan looks back at the ground.

  
Too far down.

 

Fear owns humanity.

 

“Yeah, I'll be right there.”

 

He takes the steps down the stage and goes to class.

 

And he tries not to think about Cynthia Murphy while the bibles in his hands.

  
Because that somehow feels like sin.

 

“You need to realize that you must commit yourself to God. For God I will live and for God I'm going to die!” The pastor says and everyone claps in agreement.

 

“If no one in your family wants to praise him then you praise him on your own! If mom doesn't want to go if son doesn't want to go you still go.”

 

Evan closes his eyes for a second.

 

It's been two days.

 

He hasn't taken the medicine in two days.

 

What does he feel like?

 

He can't find an answer.

 

“You leave them at home then! You praise God, you give yourself to him!”

 

The Murphys aren't in their pew.

 

And the sun isn't out.

 

“What's wrong Evan?” His mother asks on the ride home.

 

Evan shrugs.

 

“C'mon, tell me. We can exchange secrets, we can talk.” She uses a silly voice to lighten up the mood but it does no good.

 

“Evan?”

 

“Did you agree with the sermon today?” He asks quick and sharp.

 

“Oh. I-uh yeah I did. I always agree Evan.”   
  


But Evan shakes his head.

 

“So. You would leave me for someone else?”

 

Heidi shakes her head.

 

“What! No Evan that's not how it is.” She laughs a little and Evan knows that means she's nervous.

 

But he can't stop talking.

 

The words are just spilling out.

 

“I'm just confused. If you're supposed to give yourself completely to God...what does your family get?”

 

“They get love Evan.” Heidi tries but Evan shakes his hand.

 

“Why do I have to give myself up completely to him? Is it not enough to just love him? Why does the whole idea of owning come into play when you're supposed to be talking about something that saves you.”

  
“Christ is the only one that will stand by you, he is the only one that can fix these problems we have-

 

“But isn't he the reason we are having these problems?”

 

“Evan? What's going on with you? You've been acting so strange I-”

 

“I just down understand. How strong is love?”

 

“It's different for everyone. Evan I love you. I would do anything for you. Ok?”

 

“Would all mothers?” Evan asks.

 

“Just about yes.”

 

“To make their babies stop hurting.” Evan says to himself.

 

“What?” Heide pulls into the driveway.

 

“Nothing.” Evan says. 

 

Fear owns humanity.

 

Maybe that's why Cynthia Murphy did what she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoaaaaa.
> 
> I know this chapter was a little lack luster but forgive me please.


	10. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!   
> Self harm in this chapter, trigger warning.   
> Also this chapter might get a little confusing so sorry. But this is my favorite one so far.  
> Sorry if you get confused.

Creation.

 

It begins here.

 

A mother builds a human within herself.

 

Cells began to form, bones, and skins. Eyes and a mouth. Fingers to touch and a head to keep a universe inside.

 

A heart.

 

For love.

 

For hate.

 

Rib cages made to be cracked open.

 

Hair made to be missed.

 

Legs for running.

 

And hands to stop the cold of a storm.

 

A brain to understand.

 

And thoughts to be made.

 

Inside of her she begins the journey to make a person.

 

She builds a soul.

 

And she hopes for the best when it is released.

 

Some mothers get really happy when her babies leaves.

 

Some get really sad.

 

They feel empty.

 

Alone.

 

Cold.

 

The warmth of a new future no longer stirs inside of her. It sits wrapped up in her arms and though that baby is hers, she feels as though it isn't.

 

It isn't hers.

 

It's the worlds.

 

Everyone can see it.

 

Feel it.

 

Him.

 

Eyes the color of oceans.

 

She knows it.

 

He just can't open them right now.

 

Everyone can hurt him.

 

Everyone will hurt him.

 

They will destroy him because that's what society does.

 

And he isn't safe.

 

She names him Evan.

 

Because it was the easiest thing to say.

 

The nurse asked her what she wanted to name him.

 

And at first she decided on Benjamin.

 

But after watching him so small and tiny, tangled in hospital blankets.

 

She couldn't think properly.

 

She was so sad. Something so beautiful, will be faced with things so ugly.

 

“His name, Mrs.?”

 

And she looked at her. Wondered what the woman was thinking.

 

If she had kids of her own. If she understood that in moments her own life had fallen apart with the birth of her first child.

 

The only things she loved more than God.

 

“Evan.”

 

And she didn't like that name. That name wasn't on the list, it was supposed to be Benjamin. She just couldn't say it, she couldn't spit it out. And she suddenly felt really sad.

 

“Evan.”

 

He likes toy trucks.

 

And soccer.

 

He likes polaroid pictures and strawberry ice cream.

 

“Evan.”

 

And he's a little older now.

 

She replays the first time he scratched his knee. 

 

Out in the backyard collecting worms and fireflies.

 

When Virginia summers had an extra layer of heat to them.

 

The one you simply couldn’t peel off your skin when you got into the air conditioning.

 

He screams so loud.

 

Heidi ended up dropping a plate on the floor.

 

And he fell.

 

He didn't know how he fell.

 

He just knew it hurt and she knew he was bleeding.

 

“Evan how did you fall?” 

And he only cries.

 

“Evan?”

 

He spends his 16th birthday alone.

 

Locked inside of his room.

 

He didn't feel like going out today.

 

And normal moms would be really sad that their babies won't come out.

 

But Heidi wasn't.

 

“Evan.”

 

She cried when she seen him.

 

Laying on the couch bruised and beaten.

 

She had come home from work and found his body slumped on the porch.

 

Who did this?

 

Did he do it?

 

“Evan.”

 

Her baby was sick.

 

Universe gone.

 

And fingers ruined.

 

Skin no longer braved.

 

And a heart filled with hate.

 

“Evan.”

 

And she's taken back to that hospital room.

 

The one in which she wished the nurses left her and her baby alone.

 

And she would so silently.

 

Put a pillow over his face.

 

And give him back to the Heavens.

 

Benjamin.

 

“Evan.”

 

And he's waking up.

 

He feels it.

 

“Connor.”

 

“Evan.”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Zoe.”

 

“Cynthia.”

 

“What did you do Larry?”

 

And he remembers the blood on the pew.

 

_ How strong is love? _

 

Connors smile.

 

And the ways he licks his lips.

 

“Do you love me?”

  
“Yes.”

 

_ Cut it out. _

 

And Evan doesn't crush his arm between the cabinet.

 

He cuts it with a razor.

 

Eyes brimmed with tears.

 

_ Whose Benjamin? _

 

“Connor.”

 

“Evan.”

  
“Jared.” 

 

“Zoe.”

 

“Cynthia.”

 

“Why did you touch him Larry?”

 

He can't look away.

 

The view is small from the cracks of the closest.

 

He didn't know Connor was so ruined.

 

Fear owns humanity.

 

But Connor was fearless.

 

So who owned him?

 

He digs deeper.

 

Red plush spilling across his skin and dripping onto the porcelain.

 

Pain.

 

That night on the football field.

 

Like opposing sides in a war.

 

And Evan has never felt this much tension in his life.

 

He's always hated not knowing what was happening.

 

But being with Connor Murphy meant you would be confused for majority of the time.

 

Hes accepted it.

 

“Listen to me.” Connor says, eyes glued to Evan.

 

Evan shakes his head.

 

“There's nothing you can say Connor. I've seen too much. You know that.”

 

Connor takes a step forward and Evan takes a step back.

 

“I told you we were never perfect.” Connor says.

 

“Yea but you never said you guys were this fucked up too.” And Evan isn't scared.

 

He feels nothing but shock.

 

The overwhelming need to hurt someone.

 

To hurt him.

 

“You're lying Connor.” And he can feel the tears.

 

“You say you don't feel anything but pain. You say you're fine but you're lying. You're not fine at all. And it isn't because you're bored. It's because of that man.” He walks backwards. Keeping his eyes trained on Connor.

 

“You tell everyone and everything we ever had will be obliterated Evan.”

 

_ Whose Benjamin? _

 

“Evan.”

 

“Connor.”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Zoe.”

 

“Cynthia.”

 

“You said you would stop Larry!”

 

And Evan hasn't seen the sun in days.

 

The artificial lights dancing on his skin as the blade tears apart the stiches.

 

And he bleeds like everyone else.

He isn't a ghost.

 

A shadow.

 

He's a person.

 

“I need you.”

 

Connor steps forward.

 

“I need you too.”

 

“So let's just go.” Evan cries.

 

“They need me.”

 

_ Whose Benjamin? _

 

The trees.

 

And how he fell.

 

Another cut.

 

Blood.

Broken bones.

 

Brain matter against the bathroom walls, Evan can see it.

 

“YOU'RE SICK!”

 

A knife.

 

_ Deeper Evan. _

 

_ Benjamin _ .

 

Mommy.

 

Worms and fireflies in the backyard.

 

Does she notice the camera is gone?

 

Will she notice Evans gone too?

 

His wrist looks like a piece of paper with red slits in it.

 

Bloody.

 

Mommy.

 

“Evan.”

 

“Connor.”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Why did you let him Cynthia?”

 

Glasses.

 

A gun.

 

Headlights.

 

_ Stop them. _

 

Don't let her leave with him.

 

A gun.

 

Glasses.

 

The color yellow.

 

He gets up.

 

 

Red dripping from his hand.

 

Eyes blank.

 

“Zoe.”

 

Lights flash across her face.

 

“Connor.”

 

That quick and fleeting moment of panic on his face before the car crashes.

 

“I'm not leaving Evan. And you're not leaving me.”

 

Rain.

 

Virgnina summer and rain.

 

Light.

 

Dark.

 

A ruined gun.

 

 

How strong is love?

 

Is it owned by fear?

 

It's him in sunlight, underneath the trees.

 

And in the rain.

 

It's the books he read.

And the songs he memorized.

 

It's crashing into the ground.

 

Because he told you to jump.

“Larry.”

 

 

“Connor.”

 

“Evan.”

 

“God.”

 

He looks up.

 

“Forgive me.” Evan whispers.

 

Red is sin.

 

Cynthia Murphy is sin.

 

Liking boys is sin.

 

Evan is sin.

So he cuts more.

 

Until his skin looks like meat.

 

Unrecognisable.

 

“Jared.”

 

Fear owns humanity.

 

“Shut up.”

 

 

Connor gets up.

 

And Evan falls down.

 

The day the rain came, but never seemed to stop.

 

The night the blood shed, but never seemed to stop.

 

And he wakes up.

 

“Evan!”

 

_ Benjamin _ .

 

“Get up you're going to be late!”

 

“Connor.”

 

“He's going to die.” Evan says horsley, eyes staring at the ceiling, at Connor Murphy. Blood staining his bedsheets, wrist sore and raw.

 

No.

 

“Larry.”

 

Evan keeps his mouth shut.

 

_ They're going to kill him. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone know whats going on? No? Ok sorry.


	11. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys this story is turning into something way out of my control and I need jesus.
> 
> Also hi how you guys been? Ive been a mess.
> 
> Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Pain.

 

It's what he knows.

 

It's what's left over after the storm.

 

Debris laced with a new ruined wrist and red eyes.

 

Wars lost.

 

He's in pain.

 

And he sees everything.

 

And he's ready to fight for it.

 

What happened that night?

 

What happened to Connor Murphy?

 

And more importantly.

 

How can Evan save him?

 

He sees his mother at the counter in the kitchen.

 

“Hey buddy.” She smiles, setting a plate of pancakes on the table for him.

 

“Hello.” Evan responds quietly.

 

 _Benjamin_.

 

He takes a seat and hopes his mother doesn't say anything else.

 

But of course she speaks.

 

Of course.

 

“You overslept again. Are you sure you don't need another dose up for your medicine?”

 

Evan squints his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“What?” His mother repeats.

 

Evan stares.

 

And Heidi stares back.

 

Silence.

 

_Why?_

 

“Evan?” His mother asks. She sets down her coffee mug and moves closer to him, her hand soft on his shoulder. “Sweetie?”

 

Evan moves away.

 

He gets up from the table and looks at her, blue eyes on blue eyes.

 

He stares at her quietly.

 

“Evan? Honey? You're scaring me.” She says breaking eye contact and looking down.

 

“I…”

 

 _Benjamin_.

 

Evan swallows.

 

He swallows the dropping feeling of his heart down back into his stomach.

 

“I'm…”

 

_Lost._

_  
_ _Scared._

 _  
_ _Angry._

 

_Confused._

 

“Evan?”

 

_I'm alone._

 

“I'm fine.” He sits back down. He takes a sip of his water and tries to keep the new found heat under his skin and off his face.

 

“No. You're not. I'm calling doctor Cohen and scheduling another appointment and I'm going to ask for a new measure of medication Evan I'm worried.”

 

And he sees it.

 

He closes his eyes and opens them again hoping it will take away some of the pain, but it doesn't and Evan screams.

 

“GOD!”

 

He hears her before he sees her.

 

And then he's on the couch.

 

“I can't keep doing this to him.”

 

Blonde hair.

 

“I need him to be ok. He's the only thing I have, I need him to be ok.”

 

“Evan.”

 

“Give him the pills Mark. Please, help him.”

 

“I'm not a rat you can just inject with pills whenever you don't want to deal with me.” He snaps, hands flying down to hit the table.

 

“I said I loved you. Can't that be enough?”

 

And it's the first time he's heard Connor broken.

 

The scenery outside the car window blurs together in watercolor and they're going so fast Evan can't count the stars.

 

But he does hear himself speak.

 

“You and I have very different opinions on what's love.”

 

The pain in his arm increases and he screams.

 

“God Evan you're so pathetic.” And he knows Connors angry, pissed. But he doesn't care because he's there. He's here.

 

Picking Evan up.

 

In the forest they fell in love in.

 

“Sometimes.” Evan says lightly.

 

He waits for Connor to speak but the boy doesn't so he keeps going.

 

“Sometimes. I think I can see the inside of my body.”

 

And Connor keeps his eyes on the road.

 

Evan lays back down in the backseat, trying to avoid his arm.

 

“Sometimes. I think I can see the inside of my body. And Connor it's a mess. There's blood, and bones, and organs.” Evan stares at the ceiling of the car.

 

“Evan! What are you talking about?” Heidi says shocked and taken back.

 

“But there are also leaves.” Evan says. “They're leaves in my body, and little twigs. I've spent so much time outside, it has now become part of me.”

 

Evan stares at his mom.

 

“And I look at you, Connor. And I get scared to death, because you don't look like the same boy in the library that morning.”

 

And he hopes Connor will stop the car and look at him. Tell him that he is the same Connor but he doesn't.

 

He keeps driving.

 

And soon Evan starts to see the houses on his street.

 

“You aren't the same boy. I know that for a fact.”

 

He can feel the tears.

 

“You're so tired Connor. Go to sleep Connor. Go to sleep.”

 

“I'm going to be late.” Evan grabs his backpack and he can feel his mother's hand on his shoulder again.

 

“Evan wait please talk to me.”

 

“Talk to me Connor. Why are you so sleepy? I see how tired your planets are in your eyes. How pale your skin is.”

 

He pulls her hand off of him, and leaves without another word.

 

“That night we fell asleep underneath that tree I saw how tired you were, and how you were losing your sunlight, you were in the forest too long too. I know this because you've got rain drops on your lips and I kissed them when I was dehydrated.”

 

He didn't know pain could be this bad.

 

“I looked at you, and I saw vines where your veins use to be.”

 

Connor lays him on his porch but hes still talking.

 

“Where are your veins Connor Murphy?”

 

Connor leaves without a word.

 

“Where are your veins?”

 

He avoids Jared the entire morning.

 

He had too much to think about.

 

He had to see Connor.

 

Get some more answers. Who was trying to kill him and why?

 

Jared was useless with that.

 

But maybe Zoe wouldn't be.

  
Shes at his table during lunch.

  
And though her life is falling apart too, she still talks.

 

“My parents don't know what to do with him.” Zoe says quietly.

 

And Evan looks at her. “Why?”

 

Zoe shrugs. “My dad thinks he isn't progressing.” She looks back down.

 

“Are you going to stop them?” he asks a bit panicked.

 

“Well if he’s just wasting money. I mean-”

 

“Do you hear yourself?” Evan snaps.

 

And he realizes.

 

_They're going to kill him._

 

He's running out of time.

 

“Why is this so important to you? You didn't even know him.” Zoe looks at him.

 

“That's murder.” Evan responds and he's rushing. He can feel the words building in his mouth just like back home in the kitchen with his mother.

 

He won't be able to stop them from coming out now.

 

“They didn't say they were going to, they were just thinking about it. A lot has been happening ok? My mom is still being harassed by cops. My dad, hes on the edge, it's a lot for us.”

 

“Why do you want your brother dead?” Evan asks.

  
And Zoe looks taken aback.

 

“That's just how life works out sometimes Evan, it's causing more bad than good.”

 

But no that doesn't answer the question.

 

“Why do you want him dead so much?” Evan suddenly asks again and he can't stop himself from speaking. Words are coming out and he can't control it.

 

“He's a messed up person Evan.” Zoe says but Evans hands snap to the table.

 

“So is your father. But you aren't wishing death on him!” He says it before he can stop it.

 

Zoes head snaps in his direction.

 

“What?” She says.

 

And Evan shakes his head.

 

He stands up quickly grabbing his bag but Zoe stands up just as fast looking him in the eye panicked.

 

“Evan what are you talking about?”

 

“I…”

 

People are staring.

 

“I...I'm sorry.”

 

He shakes his head trying to fight off the words in his brain and runs out.

 

On his way out in the hall he runs into Alana.

 

“Evan! Easy there speed racer.” She smiles and Evan stops and looks down.  


“Right. Sorry.”

 

He breathes. Trying to get his body back to a normal condition.

 

What's happening to him?

 

“You're ok. Actually you're just the person I was looking for!” She squeaks and digs around in her bag for a moment and pulls out a ticket. “Here!”

 

Evan takes and looks down.

 

_You are cordially invited to:_

_The Winter Wonderland Ball._

_December 12, 2017_

 

“A...ball?” Evan asks a bit bewildered.

 

“It's to raise money for the senior prom, it's definitely for a good cause.” She says flipping her hair over her shoulder.

 

“Then shouldn't I be buying the ticket instead of you giving it to me?” He asks.

 

“I thought that too, but it appears you're quite famous. Someone paid the ticket for you. Left a note and the money in my locker. Stern orders to hand you that piece of paper myself.” She says rolling her eyes.

 

“Who bought my ticket?” He looks down and back at her.

 

“Beats me. No name on the note. Just your name, and the cash. They also said that you need to show up. Something like if you really want to know what's happening come to the ball. Whatever the hell that means.”

 

Evan looks down at the white piece of paper.

 

Who sent it?

 

_If you really want to know what's happening come to the ball._

 

“Uhh...ok.” Evan looks up but Alana is already halfway down the hallway.

 

He looks back at the cafeteria, and feels his stomach drop again.

 

“I'm so sorry.” He says out loud.

 

“Zoe.”

 

“But your father did a very bad thing. And I'm going to figure out what.”

 

But in order to do that he was going to need a starting point.

 

So when the bell rung and children filled the hall, Evan avoided Zoe and Jareds eye contact. He slipped the ticket in his bag. Snuck out the gym door to the back of the school.

 

And made his way to the hospital.

 

The blood from his wrist, staining his navy blue jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone get Evan.


	12. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fastest...update...ever....
> 
> Sorry for any spelling mistakes and grammar errors.

It was coming to a close.

 

There was only about a month left over.

 

The closer it got the more hard it was for Evan to breathe.

 

What would happen between him and Connor?

 

Where could they go from here?

 

He was afraid to ask.

 

Afraid of the answer he would be given.

 

Because in reality, Evan learned that good things didn't stay for too long.

 

And he needed something consistent.

 

Something like the sunlight.

 

Something that would stay.

 

Forever.

 

“Forever.”

 

He said to Connor that night.

 

Connor hummed in response.

 

Evan stared at his door.

 

Closed and locked.

 

He could hear Connors heartbeat through the boys shirt. They laid there for a while. Evan on Connor’s chest and Connors arms wrapped around him.

 

“I said forever.” Evan repeated.

 

Connor remained quiet. 

 

He's been quiet a lot lately.

 

Maybe he understood what was happening too.

 

“What's forever?” He asked and Evan blinks, eyes still trained on the locked door.

 

“Us.” He says quietly.

 

But Connor doesn't reply.

 

At least not for a while.

 

So Evan tries again.

 

“Are we forever?”

 

“We are sublime.” Connor says instead.

 

Evan squints his eyes.

 

_ Why is the door locked? _

 

“You can't see sublime.” He says to Connor, staring at the silver doorknob.

 

“You can't see forever either, Evan” And he can feel the eye roll.

 

“I can. With you. Tell me it's forever COnnor.”

 

Silence.

 

“Are we forever?” He tries again.

 

“We are a disaster Evan. And they always reappear.”

 

And Evan looks up, into Connors eyes. He sits up after a few seconds.

 

And it's an intense, broken stare. One in which tells the story.

 

“But at some point they disappear.” He says matter of factly.

 

“I...They have lasting effects on us though we can-”

 

“What are you saying Connor?” Evan asks, voice still and hurt.

 

Connor licks his lips but before he can get a word out, the front door to the house is slamming shut.

 

Both of their heads snap to the door.

 

The locked door.

 

“I thought you said everyone would be out late?” Evan looks back at his friend, but Connors eyes are still wide and on the door.

 

“Connor?” Evan’s hand reaches out to touch the back of Connors neck but then there are footsteps on the stairs and Connors hand flies tightly around Evans wrist to stop it.

 

And it's a tight grip.

 

“You're hurting me Connor let go.” Evan says a bit pained.

 

But Connor remains silent.

 

The footsteps are now on the same floor as them.

 

“Connor?”

 

And they're getting close.

 

“Hide.” Connor says sharp and quiet.

 

“Connor we don't have to do all that we can just say we're friends, there's no need for all that-”

 

The footsteps are close.

 

“I said hide!” Connor whisper yells and it's angry and harsh.

 

He pushes Evan off the bed and Evan stands back wounded.

 

“Why!? Where?!” Evan whisper yells.

 

And the footsteps are outside the door.

 

There's a knock.

 

And Connor’s neck snaps to Evens direction, eyes blurry and wet.

 

“Evan.” He says and his voice is a little broken. “Please.”

 

And Evan, with horror in his eyes backs away slowly to the corner of the room.

 

There's another knock.

 

But Evan isn't paying attention.

 

_ What's happening? _

 

His eyes stay on Connors. Wide and foreign.

 

He leans against the closet.

 

And this knock is harsher than before.

 

So Evan doesn't say anything.

 

He simply slips into the closet and closes the door.

 

And he can hear the clicking of the lock.

 

He can hear the sound of flipping paper.

 

But the lights are too bright and he waits for his eyes to adjust.

 

“How can I help you?” The nurse asks.

 

And Evan swallows.

 

He can't see.

 

“Excuse me? Sir?” She tries again after a few beats of silence.

 

Evan tightens his hands.

 

“I'm...here to see someone.” He finally answers and the nurse’s eyebrows furs as she begins typing.

 

“Ok...can I have a name sir?”

 

“C-Connor Murphy.”

 

She stops typing.

 

And Evan thinks for a moment he has messed up.

 

“Connor Murphy? Can I ask who are you in relation to him?”

 

Evan thinks for a moment.

 

“I'm his cousin.” 

 

And there is no way she is really believing him.

 

“What is your name?” The nurse finally asks, and she begins typing again.

 

“Michael Murphy.” He tries and the nurse types some more before stopping.

 

“I'm sorry Mr. Murphy but unfortunately we do not have you on the guest list. The patient is in critical condition and only registered and immediate family can see him right now.” And it's harsh the way she says it, almost like she's done it a million times.

 

And it's over.

 

He won't be able to see him.

 

And he can feel the panic rising in his throat and he doesn't know what to do. The words become too much again and he's feeling something spiraling out of control from within himself. 

 

“I'm sorry Mr. Murphy, but if that is all, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”

 

The lights get brighter.

 

_ What was he thinking? _

 

And he gets sweaty.

 

_ This was never going to work! _

 

He begins to walk away.

 

It was coming to a close.

 

There was only about a month left over.

 

The closer it got the more hard it was for Evan to breathe.

 

What would happen between him and Connor?

 

Where could they go from here?

 

Absolutely. Positively. Nowhere.

 

He stops.

 

Just before the elevator dings.

 

He can hear the nurse typing away on the computer again.

 

“He's going to die.”

 

_ They're going to kill him. _

 

“Pardon?” The nurse stops typing.

 

“Connor. He's going to die.”

 

Silence.

 

“Our doctors are trying their best.” The nurse answer blandly. “Check back with your family for updates.”

 

“Family.” Evan says carefully, letting the word fall out of his mouth and onto the floor like spit.

 

“Family.” The nurse repeats.

 

“He was my family.” Evan finally says.

 

The halls of the hospital empty out almost as if on cue. Children can't be heard, the nurses and doctors laughs have been silenced.

 

Nothing.

 

But white lights that are too bright.

 

And a little boy hiding behind one of those doors waiting for Evan.

 

“I never liked the inside of myself.” He closes his eyes and hopes the nurse listens.

 

“I once told Connor it was messy. I told him I saw blood and bones and organs.” He still faces the elevator.

 

“That's what supposed to be on the inside of your body. Everyone has that.” She says and Evan knows she's only getting annoyed.

 

“I wasn't done.” He says angrly. “There's also leaves and twigs from the times I spent catching lizards in the forest next to the old abandoned mansion. Ya know the old Barren Mansion? Haunted by the beautiful actress and her unborn baby.”

 

“That's not real.” The nurse answers quickly. “If you really had that your insides would be damaged. You wouldn't be alive.”

 

Evan shakes his head ignoring her and going on.

 

“And Connor told me that scary story wasn't real, he told me that the real reason no one lived in that house was because Virginia was a place you buried in your past, not live in.”

 

And he looks at himself through the shine of the metal door.

 

“Sometimes I believe him, sometimes I think that story isn't true and that Barren actress actually faked her own death and ran away with that little baby. But sometimes, I can't help but to wonder. Are ghost real? And if they are, why do they haunt the places that make them the most sad?”

 

“Because they can't move on.” The nurse answered and Evan shakes his head.

 

“It makes them sad, but they can't move on? I don't think ghosts are different from humans at all because we do the same thing.”

 

“We aren't dead.” The nurse tries.

 

“But how do we know that? What's real? What's fake? Are we asleep right now? Or are we wide awake?”

 

She doesn't answer.

 

“We think we know something but in reality, I don't think we know anything. The insides of our skulls are quite dangerous.” He said. “Nothing is more powerful than a memory. And nothing is more scary than questioning if that memory was really real or not.”

 

And he finally gathers the courage and self restriction left in his body and turns around.

 

“So maybe we are supposed to have blood, and bones and organs in our bodies. But maybe we are also supposed to have leaves and twigs from the outside of a mansion that maybe isn't real and maybe is. And maybe this body isn't really a body, maybe we’re just orbs of light heading down a dark path waiting to crash into something in the center of the street.”

 

And he can finally feel a tear sliding down his face.

 

“And maybe Connor Murphy won't wake up. And maybe he will. And maybe you're not here and I'm not here and he's not here and this universe isn't here. And God isn't real and he isn't here and here isn't here but something in a dirty closest waiting to be discovered. And maybe that family isn't really a family because they aren't really real but I just don't know because I don't know what's real and what's not and I don't know if the memories are memories or if they're nightmares and I can't sleep anymore because I don't know where he is and if he even existed in the first place because everyone knows of him yet no one has seen him. I need to see him, I need to know for just a split second he's there because he's the only thing I've ever been sure about. But then I'm waking up again and I'm scared because I know I have to face another day trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired. I just I can't-”

 

He breathes.

 

“And Connor has driven me crazy since the first moment I met him. And I don't know if it's real or not but it's certainly felt like one hell of a ride. And if you're really going to let me get on an elevator, after I just told you how fucked up this kid made me. Then it's you that has the damaged insides. Not me.”

 

And the nurse is looking at him. Eyes searching.

 

“Mr. Murphy.” She says, quiet and light. “I'm so sorry.”

 

And Evan heart breaks.

 

“But you can't go in to see him.”

 

And through the cracks of a dirty closest, and Evan is squinting his eyes.

 

“Hi dad.”

 

The nurse looks down.

 

“It's his father's orders.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is definitely one of my favorite chapters so far, what do you guys think?


	13. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My updates have been so consistent lately Im so happy.
> 
> Sorry for any spelling or grammars.

_ “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” _

 

Let the past be in the past.

 

Forgive yourself, simply because you cannot undo what has been done.

 

Move on.

 

“Amen.”

  
Everyone sits and it takes Evan a second longer to fall into the chair.

 

But no one notices.

 

His eyes remain on the stained glass in front of him.

 

There sits a white man, on a cross, bruised and bloody. Head hanging low and skin paled from the upcoming stench of death.

 

He's a hero.

 

Evan tightens his fist.

And he then he hears the pastor speak.

 

Hes simply pulled back into reality, almost as if he wasn't there. Like he walked into a door and there was the world. Counting without him and now he is forced to catch up with time. To keep going through it without questioning a single thing.

 

What has he missed since his absence?

 

“Please. Don't let your past ruin your future.” The pastor says strongly and Evan can hear his mother speaking under her breath, agreeing with everything he's saying.

 

“We have all made mistakes, we have all messed up but the it isn't about that, it's about how you overcome it, how you move on. It can seem like you're alone, like you've caused what you now live in but you must trust your faith and understand that God is right there with you. He has always been and will always be, so long as you give it to him. Give him what you think you don't have.”

 

And someone begins clapping. Evan wishes they would stop.

 

He looks down at his hands and he notices that they won't stop shaking. His hands don't look like they're his anymore. Ever since that night, since they commited that terrible crime, they haven't been Evans and it doesn't make him sad anymore.

 

He doesn't want the hands anymore anyway.

 

So he looks back up, and puts his hands into his jacket pocket.

 

“Stop trying to run away. Accept it. And when you do, then you can live with what you did.”

 

Evan closes his eyes.

 

“You are not your past. You are not your mistakes. Your deep ends and spurs of actions. Stop thinking of them.”

 

And then he opens them.

 

How can you stop thinking of them?

 

How can you let it go?

 

“You just let it go!” Connor screams at him.

 

But Evan shakes his head.

 

“Connor stop! Talk to me right now! Tell me what I saw that night. Tell me what happened!”

 

Why were they in the school?

 

“Mind your fucking business Evan!” And he's angry, he steaming.

 

“Connor. Please, I know you're scared, but you have to tell me, I can help you-” And he's putting his hand on Connors shoulder but within seconds, Connor turns and he's pushing Evan off of him and the boy is flying to the floor against the locker.

 

“No! That's it! You can't just take no for an answer! Just stay away from me! Stay away from my family!”

 

And he's storming away.

 

“Connor you're not healthy! Please you need help!”

 

“You're the one that needs help! You're a freak! Fix yourself before you try to ruin other people's lives!”

 

And then it's quiet, and Evans stomach hurts, it feels like his heart has been swallowed.

 

He leans against the locker trying to suppress the pain in his back from the fall. But he feels a pair of eyes on him.

 

“Jared.”

 

His mother taps his shoulders.

 

He looks up.

 

“The service is over, Evan” His mother says a bit dry. They haven't spoken much since Friday. The unsaid and said things still heavy between them.

 

Evan swallows and looks down.

 

“I'm staying.” He says quietly.

 

And his mother doesn't answer. She just waits for an answer as to why.

 

“Pastor Dylan said he wanted my help organizing the fundraiser next Sunday.” And the lie falls from his mouth so easily, it shocks him.

 

And he can see his mother falter for a second, confusion laced in her eyelashes but nevertheless she accepts it.

 

“OK. Do you need me to stick around or-”

 

“No.” Evan says quick and sharp. “I don't need you anywhere near me.”

 

He stands.

 

“Evan-”

 

“I've got to go.” Evan rushes, moving past her quickly and disappearing into the crowd of exiting church goers.

 

He thinks he hears his mother call his name.

 

But he continues anyway.

He waits next to the door.

 

The office that he knows belongs to the person he's looking for.

 

And he's afraid.

 

He doesn't know exactly what to say but he's hoping it will come out when it's time.

 

He can't speak to Dr. Cohen. He can't tell him what he needs to.

 

He isn't taking anymore pills.

 

He won't.

 

So instead he waits by the door for nearly an hour.

 

Until the man shows up.

 

“Evan?” The man saysm a but astonished. “Didn't expect to find you here.”

 

Evan cuts right to the point.

 

“I need to talk to someone.” He pauses. “Someone that might have some answers.”

 

Pastor Dylan nods understandingly.

 

“I see.” He opens the door and signals for Evan to go in. “I’ll do my best to answer these questions.”

 

“They aren't really questions, Pastor.” Evan says shakely but nevertheless he walks in and takes a seat.

 

Pastor Dylan follows in, taking off his suit jacket he hangs it up and rolls up his sleeves and in swift moment, Evan can see the man transforming into a normal human.

 

A simple guy.

 

He's never seen Mr. Murphy do that.

 

Mr. Murphy always seemed to be in disguised. 

 

Always seem to be perfect.

 

He tightens his fist again.

 

Pastor Dylan takes a seat and sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “What would you like to talk about son?”

 

And Evan looks at his fingers.

 

The heat is getting too hot to take these days. It's almost as if it building up, like a climax of lava and flames and Evans scared he's going to get caught in it. 

 

“Evan?” Connor says a bit softer. “Why did you want to meet me here?” 

 

He swallows.

 

“I wanted to talk to you about what I saw a few nights ago.”

 

He sees Connor tighten up and he chokes up.

 

“Do not shut me out again. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to help-”

 

“I told you Evan I don't need your help!” Connor snaps and starts to walk away but Evan is pulling on his shoulder.

 

“You say that, but I know it's different. I know you do. I know you're scared and embarrassed and I want you to know you shouldn't be. Connor we don't have to tell anyone, we don't have to do anything for a very long time. As long as you want. But you have to talk to me. You said you're numb. But you're not. And you use pain as the only escape but you're not the only one causing pain on yourself. Let me help you. Just talk to me. Tell me why it's happening and if this is the reason you're so sad.”

 

Connor remains silent.

 

“Where's your God now?” He simply asks and Evan falters.

 

“Huh?” He asks.

 

Connor turns around and his eyes are a bit watery but he isn't crying.

 

“I said where is your God?”

 

“He's here, Connor. He's here.”

 

“And who told you that?”

 

“The pastors-”

 

“You mean like my dad?” He spits and Evans stands silent and shocked.

 

“Connor...I'm so sorry, but he isn't a man of-”

 

“He is a man of God, Evan. either he's a man of God, or God isn't real. You chose.” Connor says suddenly and Evans stomach drop.

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“I'm saying you can't believe in the good in people, and worship the bad things they do.”

 

“Connor.”

 

“Evan?”

 

He looks up to Pastor Dylan's worried eyes. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yes.” He says simply.

 

“Does that happen often?” The man asks and Evan shrugs.

 

“It's been happening more the usual lately.” He answers honestly and the pastor nods.

 

“Why?” He questions and Evan looks back down.

 

“I think someone has been trying to tell me something.” He says questly.

 

“Who?’ Pastor Dylan asks camly.

 

“I don't know.” Evan stops and closes his eyes tightly. “Maybe God.”

 

He hears a hum from Dylan.

 

“Or maybe Connor Murphy.”

 

It goes silent.

 

“Why would Connor Murphy be trying to talk to you Evan?” He asks and Evan shrugs.

 

“I don't know.”

 

“What's he saying Evan?” And Evan looks back up. 

 

“I never said it was him for sure. It might be God.”

 

“If so, then what is he trying to say?”

 

“He's trying to tell me something.” Silence. “Something I have to know.”

 

“What is it Evan?” And Pastor Dylan remains calm, kind, and warm.

 

“Why does bad things get stuck in our brain?” Evan suddenly ask.

 

And Dylan just moves with it.

 

“Because we can't let them go.”

 

“Why can't we let them go?”

 

“Because we are designed to hate ourselves.”

 

And it's an answer Evan didn't expect to come from a pastor, but in a way it relaxes him.

 

“Evan were you paying attention to the sermon today?”

  
  


And Evan repeats it like a favorite song. 

 

“We have all made mistakes, we have all messed up but the it isn't about that, it's about how you overcome it, how you move on. It can seem like you're alone, like you've caused what you now live in but you must trust your faith and understand that God is right there with you. He has always been and will always be, so long as you give it to him. Give him what you think you don't have.” 

 

Dylan looks surprised. “You have a good memory, son”

 

And Evan tries hard not to scoff.

 

“Do you know what it means?” Dylan asks.

 

“It means that it's not about the past. It's about what you do in the future.”

 

“Exactly.”

“But what if you don't have a future because your past ruined it?” Evan says quickly.

 

“There's no such thing. Your future is  not controlled by your passed, it may be swayed, but never controlled.”

 

Evan remains silent.

 

“What is God telling you Evan? Was it about a mistake you have made?”

 

And Evan shakes his head.

 

“It wasn't my mistake.”

 

Silence.

 

“Can I be honest?” Evan looks up into Dylan's eyes and suddenly he feels like his heart is in his throat. Like he can't breathe and he's drowned in emotion.

 

“Please.” Dylan says, still kind and warm.

 

“God may be telling me a story I don't want to know of. All my life I've been trying to forget what I've done. But now my biggest problem, isn't about a mistake I made. It's about a mistake that has made me. And I don't want it. I don't want no part of it. But it seems he doesn't care. He just keeps putting it in my brain. It's like a record. Going over and over, replying things but they keep skipping so I never get the full song.”

 

And he looks down.

 

“And sometimes I'm forced to question if he's real or not because you've always told me he's here to help me, but it seems like he's destroying me. And I can't get out of my head. I can't stop seeing it. I don't know what's real and what's not but I keep seeing it.”

 

Dylan speaks.

 

“He's trying to tell you something of great importance. It may be sad to hear but hes telling you for a reason. What do you think that reason is Evan?”

 

He looks back up.

 

“To save Connor Murphy.”

 

“And why is he choosing you to save Connor Murphy? Connor Murphy has already been saved, he just needs to wake up.”

 

“A doctor can save you, but you can still be dead.” Evan snaps and Dylan holds his hands up.

 

“Relax son, I'm just trying to help you. Why is he choosing you to save Connor Murphy Evan?”

 

“Because I was the only thing that ever loved him.”

 

And he knows the words fell out of his mouth.

 

He knows he's said too much.

 

But he can't stop.

 

“Evan-”

 

“We all just keep living like nothing is wrong with our lives, like there aren't a bunch of bloodthirsty demons in our heads. Telling us to kill, telling us to lie. Telling us to jump off of trees. But in reality it's worse. We keep the bad stuff in our brains not because we hate ourselves. But because we need them. Something in those bad things. Weather it's real or not. Somethings alive and it's out for blood. And I just don't think God's a very nice man if that's the case.”

 

“Evan, this is all in your head. The devil is playing a game on you, trying to turn you away from the Lord but you must not give in. I know these bad things are incredibly painful but you must keep going. You must defeat them. They cannot hurt you. They are simply little things in your head.”

 

“They aren't just things. They're memories.”

 

“So let them be memories Evan, let them sleep.”

 

“If I let my memories sleep, I will soon become one.”

 

“Evan.” Dylan straightens up. “Where's your mother?”

 

“You can't tell her.”  Evan says calmly. “You can't tell anyone.”

 

Dylan just looks at him.

 

“If anyone finds out, I'll be put away. I know it. My mom already wants to lock me up.”

 

“Your moms a very complicated woman Evan, but just know that she loves you very much. She really does.”

 

Evan looks down at his fingers.

 

“I wish things weren't like this.” He simply says and he hears Dylan chuckle.

 

“Everyone wishes life wasn't so complicated. But it helps us. It makes us stronger.” He says to Evan and Evan shrugs.

 

“I can't breathe anymore. I'm not strong.”

 

Dylan pauses.

 

“Since the moment I met you as a child, I knew you were strong. And Evan, I don't think you were ever breathing.”

 

He pulls back from the desk and walks over to his drawers, searching through the first one. He makes a noise of approval when he finds what he's looking for. 

 

Dylan comes back to the desk and hands Evan a silver cross.

 

“Whenever you feel like God's telling you something, I want you to pull this out and pray to him, tell him you're thankful for the communication, tell him you love him and all that he has given you and that you will follow him wherever. Everything he's doing, he's doing it for you Evan.”

 

Evans fist tightens around the necklace.

 

“God is here for you.”

 

Evan shakes his head, but remains silent.

 

They sit there like that for a few more minutes until Evan stands.

 

“Thank you, Pastor.” Evan says horsley and Pastor Dylan shakes his head.

 

“Anytime son, come back if you ever need more help.” Dylan says and it's so sincere Evan can feel his heartbeat a little lighter.

 

Evan doesn't say anything else.

 

He just leaves.

 

And when it 4 in the morning and bloods running down his wrist, Evan stares up at Connor, thinking about Mr. Murphy.

 

And clutching his silver cross.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres some hidden clues in this chapter, lets see who can figure out whats about to happen from them.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions or what not feel free to message me, I always respond.
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr @angelica-schuyller I post some stuff on there.
> 
> Please know I really do love comments and kudos so please do it, if you want to if you dont thats cool too.
> 
> Thank you for reading xx


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